Flowers in California

Flowers in California

Thursday, December 30, 2010

A Day

It is 10:00 in the morning and I am sitting in my robe and pajamas. So far today I have had breakfast, chatted with my son, spent a little time on the computer and read what I read in the paper. That's o.k.

Now I want to decide about and get moving on whatever else my son and I will do today. Hmm.

There are many things that we can do. Some would fall into the fun category, some would fall into the productive category and some would fall into the "I'd have to sit my son down and possibly bribe him to do it" category (thank you notes go there). The amazing thing about all of this to me, even on a simple day like this, is possibility. Even one day affords so much possibillity.

It is easy to take time, days, years for granted. It doesn't always seem to matter, at least to me, how we spend each one. But wow, even though there are only 24 hours in a day, there are 24 hours in a day! That's a lot of time to fill with whatever we want. Sleep is a great thing for part of that time but we should still end up with a lot of time left for the rest of our activities.

It's up to us to decide how we use a precious day. It is an awesome gift. I have a little plaque/wall hanging thing in my room that says "Your life is Gods' gift to you/What you do with it is your gift to Him." I will try to treat this day as the gift it is. And hopefully learn to do that the other days of my life too.


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Something? Anything? Safety Goggles?

Write something. Write anything. Just write. OK.

Presently a project of mine is to finish reading the books that I have started reading. There are at least nine books that fall into that category. I love books and reading and am excited by this project.

Another project around here for the past few days has been decluttering. Not much of it has happened though. I was pleased to find that the scary areas of the house are not so scary after all. I did find one box of nice Christmas ornaments that didn't make it to the tree but the tree did fine without them.

My rabbit received eight Christmas presents in a stocking that I purchased online for him. I don't know if he cares. He seemed to enjoy Christmas morning though and poking around wrappings and things. He doesn't seem to like dresssing up and posing for pictures. Now we know. Unfortunately for the little guy I can't guarantee I won't do it to him again. I don't treat him too badly otherwise so hopefully this is o.k.

My son has introduced me to Jugo Juice smoothies. I am pleased that both of us like them. I have to watch the calories in them but they are so healthy and the smaller sizes are a great snack. They make me feel good.

I am pleased that on a short trip to the mall today, I didn't want to shop wildly. I enjoyed Christmas and like what I received. I don't need piles more. I may buy a new vacuum with a gift card and Christmas money we received. Oh boy, oh boy.

I am glad that my family members across the country did not travel at Christmas. There are other times of the year for travel.

I might like to move to a new house. This house has never been my favourite style and I would not be sorry to leave this street. We'll see.

I didn't come up with much tonight but that's some of what's swirling around in my head.

Oh, one other thing. I've developed a fear of getting hit on the face and head with rocks and ice since a piece of gravel hit me just under my eye a few weeks ago. It turned out not to be a big deal but if you see me with a football helmet and safety goggles, you'll know why. Oh and be sure to say hello!


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

How It feels to Help

Well, I helped out at the mall today in a very small way. It wasn't a big deal and I was thanked and wished Merry Christmas. So everythings's fine, right? Well, it turns out that I am not someone who gets a sense of satisfaction and happiness for this kind of thing. It really did nothing for me. Sadly, if I got more praise, recognition and a small reward, I might feel more satisfied. I don't know why but that's the way I am.

I like helping. I guess I find joy in it and maybe that should be enough. I am an approval-seeking person though and, well, I seek a lot of approval.

These days I am (usually) nice to people out in public. I used to be a lot crankier. This year, I've gotten through post office, Starbucks and drug store line-ups without causing any ruckuses. And a ruckus-free Christmas is good. I hold doors and am generally quite considerate of other people. This approach seems to be working well for everybody including me. No one needs more hostility.

Still, when I go out of my way to help, and I did today, there's a part of me that really wants some acclaim. Maybe it builds up after all the niceness I've already shown (and, admittedly, the anger I've sometimes suppressed). Maybe I just want to be recognized, singled out, seen. Maybe we all want some attention now and then and when we don't get it, we are again reminded of how very small we are in the world. I don't know. Maybe I'm just an egocentric narcissist who wants everything to be about me. That one kind of stings.

Anyways, there's no parade given for small acts of kindness but they're still worth it. This one was appreciated and maybe it will be replayed by the people involved. And the world will be a little nicer because of it. Even without a parade.


Friday, December 17, 2010

All Twinkly and Bright

I discovered today that even when I'm alone in a room, it's nice to have the Christmas tree lights on. It doesn't have to be a shared experience - my experience mattered. It was really nice sitting and reading in the living room with the tree on.

I don't know if I'm excited about Christmas. To a certain extent, I enjoy Christmas shopping and the greetings that come and go at this time of year. There can be touching acts of kindness. There is charity. For me, I don't know how I feel about the day itself.

Looking at the tree today, it seemed like more than just a meaningless symbol. It touched me. It was real (even though it's artificial). It is nice to have something so special set up because it's Christmas. It's a big concept to understand but it's nice to have a tree to help us.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Why do I do this?

I make the holiday season more difficult than it has to be. On a larger scale, maybe I do that with life too. But in the holiday season it's very apparent that I do it.

Within the last hour, I sat here and tried to figure out which of the presents I have purchased are right for my Mum's birthday and which are right for Christmas. I could simply divide them up in the way that I had previously intended, wrap them and send them off later today. That would be productive and I would benefit from the fact that I have this shopping done. It is a struggle to avoid it becoming much more complicated though. I am trying to accept that whatever mix I come up with for each occasion is fine but, well, we'll see.

With Christmas cards, I have not started writing them. I assume that there are some downstairs and if not, I can quickly go and buy some. I've seen some nice ones out there. With the cards, though, I do not have to make the writing of them an exhausting, perfection-seeking experience. I could get my address book, get out stamps (I just did that) and sit down and quickly but nicely write them. It doesn't have to be too draining. It would probably feel great to have them done.

It is sad that we can put so much pressure on ourselves to get things just right. Looking at my house sometimes a person would likely be surprised that I have perfectionistic tendencies. But when you do have these tendencies, it can be hard to do things because you do not want to do them less than perfectly. I want to let that go.

So, I will try today to get my parents' presents ready and to get Christmas cards done. It is not impossible but it is very difficult to do everything perfectly. And there's really no need to do so.

I hope that everyone is enjoying this Christmas season.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Back to the Gym

OK, I haven't gone back to the gym yet. But I will tomorrow or the next day. Really. And once I start again I hope that my attendance record is as good as it was from August to November. I will work at it again.

Initially I stopped going because I was away. Somehow, when I was away I hurt my back. It was pretty incapacitating for a while. It was yucky. But it's better now. And I really have no more excuse.

For a while it seemed that it didn't matter that I wasn't going to the gym. Oddly enough, I finally lost weight and I didn't feel any different. Over the last few days or so, however, I've noticed that I'm getting out of breath again. And I need more naps. I'm not thrilled about these developments but they show that going to the gym was making a difference to my body. And I want that goodness for myself again.


Monday, November 29, 2010

Reunion - High School, My School

I went to the Open House portion of my High School's 50th anniversary celebration. And I'm glad that I did. Woo hoo!

The Open House was not that exciting. My son got to see my old school. I think I found myself in one picture. We met up as planned with my friend Patty and we ran into a few other friends. I talked to one teacher who had no idea who I was. And we left.

The good thing about this event is that now my high school experience has ended on my terms. I went back, I didn't feel much of anything for the school and I left as an adult. I no longer walk in the shadow of a guy (one in particular) not worth my time, hoping for a future with him that didn't happen. The guys at school weren't worth as much of my attention as they received. My friends deserved more. I deserved more. And I know that now.

Happy 50th Anniversary to VP! And thanks for a nice open house.


Monday, November 22, 2010

The Phone

Perhaps the phone never was the best means of communication.

Sure, I like the phone. One night this year I talked to my brother (who often goes by the name of Anonymous) for over 4 hours on it. It can be a good way to connect. And it is a good way to relay information quickly. But I can be rather shy when it comes to using the phone and I don't mind that there are a number of other means of communication now that we can use in place of the phone.

Perhaps things started off badly for me with the phone when one of the first calls I made was to a wrong number. That shook me up. But it's not just that. When you phone someone, you don't know if they or someone else will answer, if they're busy or want to talk. I think that call display is useful in that you know when someone who has it answers, they do want to talk to you at least briefly. On the phone though, you must come up with responses quickly. There's little time to reflect. If you are at all nervous anyways about who you're talking to, these factors can make things worse.

I like texting. I like messages of various kinds on Facebook. And the method of communication I like best of all is face to face. I like sitting down with someone and really listening and really talking. I can see a person's body language, their expression, what they're wearing. I can get more information from these things than I can from a voice on the phone.

I will keep calling and I will keep answering but I will not be sad that the phone is not as popular as it once was.


I Wish I Knew that I Belonged Here

I still don't know. I've lived here for 16 years and I still don't know that this city is home. I have incredibly wonderful friends here. I am so blessed to have them. Less importantly, but very handy, there is a great set-up where I live - walking distance to many, many first rate shopping, recreation and library facilities. This is not where I grew up though and it never will be.

I was back home just over a week ago. I love flying to it and getting closer and closer. It's not just the city - it's the region. It's Toronto. It's the GTA. It's southern Ontario. It's home.

So, what do I do? The rest of my family (husband and son) are at least semi-interested in moving too. It would be great for my parents. I would be surrounded by so much more of what I love there. There are so many potential country drives to historically interesting towns, there are lakes, there are more jobs in areas of interest to me and there is Bloor Street on a busy Friday night. I even love that. It's my city.

I don't know. I do not know but the city from which I moved in my younger days is calling me and it might be expecting an answer soon. I can't pretend that I don't hear that call.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Apparently I'm Unemployable

I have been out of the workforce for just over 10 years except for a brief and unfulfilling stint working in a preschool. Nice people, nice kids, boring job. No fulfillment. Other than that, I left my downtown office job 10 years ago this month and I've only been back to visit. I've missed downtown, missed earning money and just missed being employed. Not that I regret my time with my son - he's worth it all.

Anyways, my son is older now. I've applied for a job here and there over the years and had no offers. I didn't try too hard though. This fall, I had my resume professionally prepared and I have wholeheartedly put effort into some job applications. I thought that once I did these things, it would all take care of itself. I was wrong. So far, it's looking like I'm unemployable.

I acknowledge that I am 10 years older than when I last worked and that I have 10 years of not working in a formal job setting. I have volunteered in that time though, taken courses in a continuing education certificate program and handled more difficult challenges in the role of mother than any paid job would provide. If anyone thinks that my mind has gone to mush because I've stayed home for the past 10 years, they are wrong and they are missing out on a potential employee who knows herself, knows her strengths and limitations and is ready to work.

While I can't let any of this destroy my confidence in myself, it is a bit demoralizing. What do I do? I don't plan on going back to temp work unless the alternative is absolute poverty. It did lead me into a wonderful 5 year job before and great people with whom I worked but I don't know if I could do it again. It's so unpredictable and I just remember that as an ugly time in my life. Shudder, shudder.

So, here I sit, at home, with no job prospects on the horizon. Perhaps a 10 year employment gap is an easy way for employers, inundated with resumes, to take someone out of the running. It's their loss and I will find something I want to do and begin doing it. It just may not be a traditional job.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Starting Out

A newborn baby being found in a dumpster today. He was alive and has been taken to the NICU in our city. I have prayed for him.

Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my son was born and rushed to the same NICU. He was early, his survival was not guaranteed and his development and abilities if he did survive, uncertain. He's downstairs playing on his Playstation now. We had no certainty that would be the case then.

The little baby born today deserves, like every baby, to be loved and nurtured. How totally unfair that this is his start in life. My son's start was difficult, perhaps more for us, but he was always where he should be as far as care went and he was always very much loved.

There are so many wonderful people who would love to give this baby the love and future that he deserves. I hope that he ends up with people who will give him everything he needs to be happy and have a wonderful life from now on. I hope that soon he is well enough to feel the touch of people who care about him. He needs to know, in his baby way, that he is worthy of comfort and deserving of love.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Feeling Feelings

I thought that it was supposed to be a good thing to let ourselves feel our true feelings and not run away from them, not push them away with food, busy-ness or denial. The feelings themselves are what we should face.

I faced some real feelings today. I was extremely sad. It doesn't matter what it was about: I will survive and things happen. But I felt really sad and I've got to say, it was awful. I can see why people avoid that kind of thing.

I did survive the unpleasantness though and I did stop crying. My husband and a wonderful friend helped. I'm o.k. And now I am taking this experience and what it felt like and using it as fuel - fuel for understanding, fuel for deeper insight, fuel for the future.

It's o.k. to feel sad, I guess, but it sure doesn't always feel as therapeutic and romantic as I had somehow envisioned. It just feels really, really bad.


This and That and Other Things

I have not written much here lately despite lots of potential writing in my head. It just hasn't made it to the keyboard. My brain feels like it's accomplished things but my fingers have not held up their end of the bargain. I hope that they'll get along today and work together.

I took a "friend" off Facebook today. I don't mean to be dramatic about it but it matters to me and is not a step that's taken lightly. Something has changed with someone, someone who lives in the same city as me and there's not the connection anymore. It's sad.

On the brighter side, some friendships have been developing. I cherish those relationships and those with my other friends. I would love to have all my friends from near and far over for a nice party. There is always room in my house for friends. They just might have to get pretty cozy with one another. Not a lot of comfy seating.

Job-wise, it would seem so far from my job search that I am unemployable. I doubt that's true but I have no evidence to the contrary. I may have to make sure that my thinking and energy are directed at that which I truly want. Suddenly getting a full time job is huge. Am I ready?

My rabbit Powder is wonderful. I have loved all of my rabbits. This one, though, I really enjoy. Maybe I'm in a better place, maybe he's just funny, I don't know. But Powder is a bundle of joy.

I continue to love reading, books and gleaning new insights from reading and life. The Canada Post truck delivered 4 books yesterday which I opened and showed to a friend. It is divine to me to receive a delivery like that and so nice to have someone to show them to as well.

That's sort of where I'm at right now. Wherever that is.

I hope that everyone is doing well. This life thing isn't easy but it has some nice rewards along the way. I guess it is a reward in itself.


Monday, September 27, 2010

Simple Pleasures

It turns out that there is a joy to be found as a result of getting behind on some household jobs. These would be grocery shopping and laundry. We were making do but with the laundry especially, the situation was getting a bit desperate. I'd hate to cancel an activity because I had absolutely nothing to wear. It was close.

Today, we bought a lot of groceries and I got a good amount of laundry done. It was rewarding. It was nice to have nice, clean folded clothes and new food to put in cupboards and fridges and the freezer. The house is somewhat replenished.

These are simple pleasures and they are things for which I am grateful. I don't always feel that way about things such as these. After getting behind on them, I noticed and that is good.

I know that not everyone can go out and buy groceries when they need them. And laundry would be a struggle too if there's no money or time or physical ability to get it done. People can face so many challenges.

I guess acknowledging these things reminds me that some people could use help so that they can enjoy them too. Everyone should have these simple pleasures.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's Different Now

If I were to give the year 2010 a label, based on what I 've experienced in my life and witnessed in the lives of some of my friends, it would be "The Year of Concerns for our Parents and Other Older Relatives." It's a long label and probably won't catch on but it captures the essence of what I mean.

Prior to this year, there were some health issues among the parents of people I knew, including my own, and sadly there were some deaths. Of course, this can happen at different ages and does. What's different this year is that it's not rare for one of us to be concerned about an older relative. It seems that we've reached a new stage that may be here to stay.

Since the start of the year, without getting too specific, I have heard about elder abuse, major surgeries, the need to move to seniors' accommodations, a diagnosis of Alzheimer's and of older people dealing with illness and injury. As well, I know of a great lady who recently passed at the age of 95.

I have not had to help older people too much before. I expect that this is true for some of my peers as well. Suddenly we are worrying, listening to new concerns, accessing resources and trying to help. I hope that we do manage to help when we're needed, however unfamilar this feels.

If this area is new and strange to us, though, it must be more so to our elders. They have been the adults for quite a while and now they really need some help and care. It can't be easy for them to feel vulnerable, perhaps scared and unsure of what happens next.

I suppose what got me thinking about this issue is that I walked down a street today behind a couple that live near me. I have heard that the man has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My heart broke as I watched them walking on this sunny day. He was carrying some simple groceries and wearing a baseball cap. While I don't know them well, these people seem to have led a quiet, good life. I just don't understand why this had to happen. These two lovely people need whatever help can be given to them. I hope that some of it makes things at least a little bit better. I hope that they still enjoy some things.

I know that in some situations, there is not a lot we can do to really fix things. If only we could. I hope that as we address the new needs and concerns, our efforts help. We will not be perfect and we don't have all the answers but it seems trying and caring should go some way to helping. And I know that my friends and I do care. It's a start.


Monday, September 20, 2010

3 Minute Entry

Can I write an entry in 3 minutes? Let's see.

Hmmm. Having something to say would help. It always does.

I'm feeling more engaged with life. And very tired. I guess doing things takes some energy. Wow. I sleep well.

I fear that I may be becoming a zealot about exercise. I've never been a zealot about anything before except my dislike of zealotry. I'll have to watch this.

I have tried to volunteer at a few places lately and that has resulted in no takers. What does that say when no one wants my services even when they're for free?

I know, I know, I know that I love writing and I want to write more. Yay.

I want to keep on reading. Books are awesome and I am interested in the Indigo Love of Reading Foundation in which branches of bookstores adopt specific schools that could use some help buying books. I hope that many children acquire a love of reading through this foundation's activities.

I am reading The Help right now and it is interesting.

I've gone over time. Off to watch the season premiere of House now.


Friday, September 17, 2010

Nothing Personal

Since I returned from my vacation 4 weeks ago, I have gone to the gym 20 times. I'm keeping track. I'm dedicated now, somehow.

As I work out at the gym, my eyes wander. Sometimes I watch tv, sometimes I don't watch tv because football or something else is on that I can't stand, and sometimes I watch men working out. They're available for viewing, I view. Sometimes, I see people with personal trainers. I don't envy people with trainers and it's not that I (necessarily) have anything against the trainers. Rather, I don't think I'd be a good trainee.

I didn't do well in gym class, cannot dive into a pool, was slow in learning to skip in kindergarten and had sad jumpsies experiences. I don't do well in instructed physical activity. I truly wonder if I have a learning disability in translating verbal instructions into action. It's not that I can't do things - I just have trouble figuring out what people are telling me to do. I accept this aspect of myself - it's been around a long while.

With this weakness, a personal trainer would have a challenge working with me. He or she would require patience, empathy, and the ability to untangle me should things go awry when I tried to follow instructions. Not everyone is up to the challenge.

Aside from the fact that I may be unteachable, I really don't want to be taught strict, complicated exercises that require certain postures and which will be considered absolute failures if I don't do them just right. The exercise I do on my own works for me. And more important to me is the fact that I do it. And I can keep doing it and change it on my own as I wish.

I remember an episode of "Friends" in which Monica's credit card was stolen. She went to a dance class for which the thief had signed up with her card. Monica was dancing and according to the teacher "getting it all wrong." Her response was "Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!"

That's pretty much my response too. I'm glad I'm doing it.


Monday, September 13, 2010

I think I just want to write

I started a course today on blogs. It looks informative and I can take it online. We had to introduce ourselves on a discussion board and I found out that I know, in obscure ways, 2 of the people in my class. Anonymity is impossible - which may be good or bad.

From what I have learned so far, my blog is pretty much wrong. It is not focused on 1 topic, I have not researched my competition, I do not know what I am doing. I will freely admit that all of this is quite true.

The thing is though, I do not know that it matters to me. Yes, in an ideal world I would make money from this but I think if that is going to happen, it will happen anyways. Presently, I enjoy writing on my blog and I hope that some people like reading it. If I learn a lot in this course and I change things a lot, so be it. If not, that is fine with me. Not everything has to be complicated in life.


Saturday, September 11, 2010

It's Raining and Sunny - And that's Perfect

Outside the window, the sun is shining, somewhat, and it's raining.

The weather conditions are a perfect metaphor for my outlook. Sunshine and showers. Only, I thought that things were looking pretty bright and today I feel that things are not good and are just going to get worse.

One thing that's bothering me is that I really seem to have lost a friend. I don't know what I did that made her turn away. I wish I knew but even more so, I wish that we were still friends. It hurts sometimes.

Other things bothering me include the fact I still don't earn money, my house still gets messy, and I want my husband and I to do better. Whatever that means.

OK, perhaps, I'm mostly hurting about my lost friendship. Perhaps I'm just not at my best today. But I wish that the ideal metaphor for my outlook on life was the sunshine I witnessed at Clearwater Beach a few weeks ago. I guess that life is not always that beautiful though. Sometimes we have to deal with rain.


Thursday, September 2, 2010

That Little Voice

I've been to the gym for nine out of the last twelve days. For me, this is new. This is different. This is good. So what's the problem?

Well, for every day that I go, I write a "G" in my date book. Rather than in any way celebrating the increasingly large collection of G's, the thoughts enter my head, the questions start of when the G's will stop appearing and I will have once again failed to follow through on something I start. It's somewhat discouraging.

I think that this time my strategy will be to accept that this is how I think. I won't try to conquer it. It's o.k. I'm doing my best and I will keep trying to go to the gym. Maybe I'll stop writing down the G's. My body will know when I exercise - not my date book.

Surprisingly, given my athletic history, I enjoy this gym thing. And I'm letting myself enjoy. Wow. Change may really be possible. Maybe that little voice of discouragement will even change and find something a lot more interesting to talk about. Or maybe it'll just learn to keep quiet. That might be the best thing.


Monday, August 30, 2010

Today was a Turning Point

I hope it was anyways.

Today I came home with my son from an outing and sat at the computer. Although my son was in the basement, he was very quiet and I sensed what it will soon be like again when he is at school.

To be quite honest, I can't handle it.

I will miss my son when he's at school and I could get sad if I allowed myself to think about how he's growing up and going to a new school but that's not the point for me here. The point is, I need more stimulation than sitting in this house on this quiet, quiet street provides on a Monday (or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday) afternoon. I need challenge, people, activity and engagement. And it's not happening here.

So, rather than settle into despair or anxiety (again), I looked for a job and applied for one. It's a start; It has to happen. Something out there has to happen. Something has to take me back out into the world and back out there with purpose. I will go quite willingly. It will happen. I will make the changes that I need to make to be o.k. this school year. And beyond it too.

I am not cut out for staying home. Now we know. It just took a little long to really figure that out.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Sea

A week ago today, I walked along Clearwater Beach and had my feet in the Gulf of Mexico. It was wonderful.

Walking along the water always feels exquisite to me. I don't use words like that often and I don't know that I experience exquisite things that often. As well, I don't know why I in particular would have such an affinity to the sea. But I do.

I wonder if everybody feels such a connection. I don't know. It sure feels right to me.

I don't plan on moving to an oceanfront location anytime soon or necessarily ever. But I do want to go back to the ocean, sea, gulf, whatever regularly. I feel a certain something there that I feel nowhere else in the world.


Thursday, August 12, 2010


The song "Shine" was performed by Black Gold on "So You Think You Can Dance" tonight. I like the song. As I listened, however, I again doubted my ability to shine. I've been feeling more hopeful about my abilities and possibilities lately and then the doubt comes back. I guess that's o.k. but it does leave me less hopeful. What if I simply never do much at all? What if I don't develop my abilities, whatever they are, like so many women before me? What if I do not shine? For so very long, I've wanted to fulfill my potential. I believe so very much in people fulfilling their potentials. Why hasn't it happened? Really. It gets to be very frustrating.

By the way, Ellen Degeneres was on "So You Think You Can Dance" and she did so well! Dancing! I like her even more now.

And all the kids (well, kids to me) on that show display passion and dedication and fun and artistry. Their work is inspiring. Congratulations to the winner and congratulations to all who follow their passions and shine.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hoping for a Peace Treaty

I've been doing some thinking and realized that I don't have a good relationship with my body. It's not just one thing (although weight issues are a problem right now). It's more of an overall issue. I don't have a good relationship and it's possible that I pretty much never have had one.

I am not a talented athlete. I didn't feel attractive as a child. I thought that my neck was too long based on something a hairdresser said. My skin was too light according to some people. My hair was thin. There were other things too that didn't contribute to me feeling good about my body. I think that throughout my life, I have neglected what it needs or wants and really only paid much attention to it when it's hurt or not looking how I want it to look. I haven't respected it.

It makes me sad to realize this but it may be good. I want to learn how to care about what I eat. I want to be in tune with how my body feels. I don't want to be afraid of my body. I want to feel peaceful within.

While my relationship with my body developed for a group of reasons that's unique to me, I wonder how many other people would benefit too from addressing their body from the inside. Maybe other people are way ahead of me on this. Maybe not. I know that there's so much focus on weight loss. Maybe it's time to focus on feeling good within our own bodies and connected to them and feeling love for them.

Those are the thoughts I have on this matter right now anyways. I hope that I'm on the right track and going to make some peace with the various groups soon. OK, now I'm sounding crazy. I'll stop for tonight.

I can pick up sounding crazy another night soon.

Also, I credit the book "Women Food and God" for getting me thinking about food and the reasons we eat it and someone I spoke to yesterday who suggested I take a more loving approach to feeding myself. I am grateful for the input.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Getting Back to Here

Hello. I've been gone a while from my blog. I'm back. We'll see if any words are back with me.

Yesterday I came up with what I want to do in my life. Oh yeah, that. Well, here goes:

An introspective human writer who helps children and everyone.

Hmm. Interesting. How exactly does that look? I'm not sure. And I didn't necessarily mean that my writing will help people. It might. It involves wanting to help people, somehow. I guess I'm still working on it but it's nice to have something written down.

I cleaned out my pantry today. It was good to get that done. Sadly food did get thrown out but I also learned what we have and I got things organized quite well. I found out that I overestimated our cracker-eating capacity a great deal in the past. There were many, many crackers of unknown purchase dates. Most are now gone. But I recycled boxes so it wasn't a total waste. Close though.

I've been overwhelmed when I look at book lists lately because I am interested in so many books. I haven't been reading that much but I'm always reading at least one book. I have a passion for books.

Eating better has long been a concept that sounded like a good idea. I've started to do it. I did feel pretty good today.

Another change in my life, and one that is perhaps enabling me to make other positive changes, is that I started trying to remove the word "should" from my head. I'm 44. I can do what I want. If I want to eat better, I will. If I want to clean my kitchen because I will like the end result and perhaps even the process, I can. No one needs to say anymore, including me, what I "should" do.

Well, these are some of the things going on for me right now. It's nice to write again. I was feeling a little shy or something before I began this post tonight. But I'm glad that I wrote anyways.

I hope that everyone is doing o.k. and being kind to themselves. I'm not telling you what you should do, however. That's up to you.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Maybe, Sometime, I don't know, Perhaps

I haven't written for a while. Lots of stuff has happened. I don't have a lot to say. Or I have so much to say I can't put it into words yet. Who knows? Maybe I will write again soon. Perhaps.

Until then, take care. I will try to get back up on the horse. I don't ride horses so there will be no actual horse involved. But I will try to get inspired again.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

It Might

My search for a career, and ideally a meaningful one that lines up with every possible personality characteristic I possess as revealed by every possible means of testing, continues. As much as anyone else who knows about my search, I would like to just settle on something and stop my navel-gazing but I want to make sure that I get it right. And if I actually settled on something, I'd have to do something other than live the somewhat self-indulgent lifestyle I lead right now. Yikes!

Anyways, one area in which I have sometimes felt very strongly that I should work is with young students with learning challenges. I first felt this pull when I was a child and I knew someone with challenges. I have felt this pull since then in some situations with special learners and I have also thought, and not just felt, that I would like to make a difference.

The other night, I gave this matter some serious thought. I came up with one question that I couldn't answer right away. It made me a little sad and I questioned whether maybe I'm just very cynical. I had to answer whether I truly believed that I could make a difference to children in the long run. Maybe kids who are troubled will end up troubled anyways. Maybe I can't change the course of their lives. Maybe it's hopeless?

I visualize my approach to parenting as throwing some kind of glop at a wall and hoping it sticks (my poor son). I mean this is in the best possible way - I try to give him very good material but you can never be sure what will take hold. I suppose this applies in helping other children as well.

I thought some more and came up with the only answer I know to the question of whether or not my influence can make a difference. The answer: It might.

Nothing's certain yet with my plans but I find my answer to that question hopeful enough.


Monday, July 5, 2010

Handle with Care

Recently I have had the honour of discovering some children's ambitions for the future. I enjoyed reading what my son and his classmates wrote for their grade 4 memory book. More recently, a young girl I know told me that she wants to write a book. Actually, she wants to write a series of books. I was thrilled that she told me this and I responded positively to her. I can sure relate to wanting to write but I mostly kept the focus on her. She even showed me the book she's working on.

I don't know if I can express how precious I believe these dreams and plans of children to be. If they share them with us, they are allowing us to view valuable, delicate and fragile treasures. They are also allowing themselves to be vulnerable. How we react, what we say matters. We must not shatter their dreams.

I expect that some children don't get the right reactions when they share their dreams, some don't get opportunities to do so and some probably wouldn't dare try. Children need us to nurture their visions. The world will need them to become who should they be.

Handling with care is a lot more crucial here than it is in moving boxes of breakables. I hope that I always live up to the highest standards in this regard with my son and all children who tell me of their dreams. I believe that it really matters.


Friday, July 2, 2010

Out of Material

I'm inspired to read but as far as writing goes, I have nothing interesting to say. I'm feeling kind of bad and/or sad and/or cranky and/or tired. Whatever it is, I'm not feeling my happiest. Whatever that is.

So, rather than bore anyone who actually reads this with the bits of debris I can scrape up in my brain, I will stop writing for the night. At least. I will write again.

I guess I haven't been eating well. It seems to come back to that a lot. I really wish I was better at the whole food and nutrition thing. It's so important but I don't do well with those things. Another thing to feel bad about. That's me right now.

Take care.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

The What

I have to figure out what to do. I can feel all fired up and confident but I still don't know what I should be doing. So I don't do much that I think is of worth.

I want to write. What?

I want to really help people. Who? How?

I want to be immersed in life. Sometimes I am.

I want to have projects to which I am devoted. Where are those projects?

My writing seems to fall flat. I have few ideas.

Ugh. It's not that I'm not hardworking or not willing to work anyways. I just want to know what to do. And I want to find out soon.

I hope that everyone has had a nice Canada Day. It's a good place to live.


Monday, June 28, 2010

My Backyard

No, this is not a piece dedicated to the wonders of my lovely backyard. Rather, I realized this evening that I don't like my backyard much. It's not that nice.

This year the rain delayed my flower planting and there is a lot of weeding to do. Those aren't the only problems out there though.

I sat on the patio and felt like I should be enjoying it. Why? Yes, I was outside. That can be nice and I enjoy our front yard. But as for a peaceful environment, there were a lot of traffic noises, there is one bush, no trees and if you sit on the patio, you're in between the garage and house. It's not really scenic.

I know that there's a lot to be said for being grateful for things but maybe that can be taken a little far. It's not cast in stone that the backyard stays as is nor that we stay in this house. We can improve it or move.

I am glad that I made this observation. It's kind of empowering to realize that I don't have to just accept things as they are and make do. I can also make better.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

What a Week

Wow. I have had an astounding week. It's not only that it's been quite busy. The real excitement has come from the out of the ordinary events that have happened. I am glad they did.

My grade 4 teacher visited. I didn't know how it would go. It went so well. She and her husband were wonderful to talk with and lovely guests. And she and I really reconnected after an incredible amount of time and we stayed up incredibly late talking. It was about 2:20 in the morning when we gave out. I am grateful that they visited.

I went on a school field trip this week. That wasn't so good but it was an experience. It gives me more food for thought. And it did come to an end. That was good.

The grade 4 celebration at my son's school was a rewarding volunteer experience for me. I hope that everyone enjoyed it. I enjoyed getting to know another mother through working on it. My son is moving on to middle school. Wow.

Talking to my brother on the phone for close enough to 4 hours was amazing. I treasure that relationship. We're both pretty good talkers.

I probably should have stayed home for the last day of my son's time at elementary school. I have some bad feelings now about someone there. I ended up feeling humilated and like I had given away too much to someone. I feel things very deeply. There was good there on that day too though.

Today I adopted a rabbit. Why not? I also had some people over for dinner.

I had decided to dig into life. I did that this week. I'm glad that I did. The soil of life has turned out to be rich. I want to enjoy the garden and hopefully I can help others enjoy it too. I hope.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Oh the Baking

I baked. I haven't done much baking for a while. I still know how. I still make a mess. I make a big, honest mess.

Whatever good baking does, I don't know. Most of what I bake is very fattening. It's tasty though. And it connects me to women in my family who came before me.

When I think about it, the connection to my female ancestors may be what attracts me to baking. They didn't have the easiest lives and may not have been as happy as I would like them to have been. I hope that baking was something they enjoyed.

I have many more opportunities than these women had. I may feel guilty about that. When I bake, I share an experience with them and am on a lot more common ground. I like standing there with them for a while.

I will try to remember to look at baking as a way to honour these past relatives of mine.

I am not them, however, and I want to believe, I hope I'm starting to believe, that it's o.k. to grasp at things, reach for things, and achieve things that they never could.

I am getting hungry for a lot more than baked goods. I am getting hungry for life.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I have a topic about which i will write but I'm done for the day. It has been every busy lately around here. I have been very busy. Good stuff.

Just watched the news. There's always sadness too. We're all in this together.

Talk tomorrow and take care.


Friday, June 18, 2010

To Believe

I really wish that I had more belief in myself. I've made what I think are some positive changes and identified that I love writing but I still can hear the little voice that says I'll never publish anything, never really do anything. I hope that I'm getting beyond that. I wish that I had conquered that. But I have not entirely done either of those things.

I just want to take on my role in life. I appreciate this quote:

"We are like violins. We can be used for doorstops, or we can make music." - Barbara Sher

I've been a doorstop.

Whatever music I can make, whether it be through writing or working with learning challenged children or helping the poor or listening to people or having fun promoting some organization, I want to make that music. I want to just play it.

It is time to emerge from behind the door.

And, I hope at least, to soar.

JAHD - Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Nice Surprise

This will just be a short entry tonight. I must go to sleep.

I had a nice surprise today. My husband showed up at my son's school film festival, as I had asked him to do. He didn't think he could because of work. At the end of the (incredibly well done) student films, I found out that he was there. It was such a pleasant surprise.

Such a surprise is so nice. We don't even know that we have the potential for that boost of happiness until we get it.

I think that there should be more pleasant surprises in the world. They're wonderful.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Trying to Find the Inspiration

It's not a matter of finding material for my blog. I'm not sure many people read it anyways and whether people do or not (I want you to and I appreciate those that do), I can come up with something for it. Rather, I just need material to have in my head throughout the day, to work on, to pursue. Right now, with the disappointing weather that we have, I'm not especially inspired.

Because I'm not inspired, I find that I have to think of things that I'm normally interested in and pursue them. Interests do come alive again. So that's good. It's just a bit of a struggle. It's a shame that in June, a month that seems like it should be one of the more energetic ones, the weather is the way it is. We shouldn't depend on it for our happiness, I suppose, but I think that we should get to enjoy good weather and its positive effects sometimes.

It's hard to enjoy our weather right now. I hope that everyone, regardless of where they are, is enjoying these days anyways. It's worth a try whatever it's like outside.


Monday, June 14, 2010

I'm Glum

I'm just feeling kind of glum. The weather sucks, again and again. I feel kind of bored which is rare for me. I'm kind of lonely which is not perhaps that rare for me. I am feeling kind of down.

Feeling down or depressed is not a particular specialty of mine. I've dedicated a lot of time to anxiety - not so much to depression. With anxiety, it seems like things will be better. When I feel down, I'm not so hopeful.

I don't think that my down feelings will last long. It must be awful for people who feel this way continually.

I bumped into someone on the street today and we talked. I know her a limited amount but once in a while we get talking and today's conversation was our best yet. She talked about her situation in life and I talked about mine. Any obstacles that I mentioned to me doing what I want to do, she came up with solutions. It was a very positive experience talking to her.

Life is a struggle. I find it that way anyways but I keep trying. It's all we can do. And we can remember that we're all in it together and we can maybe help each other. It's worth a try. I appreciate that Rosie helped me feel better today. I hope that she does well in her new venture.

JAHD - Oh, did anyone notice that I have no bandage at all on my hand tonight? Pretty cool, huh? Hey, I feel more cheery now. Take care, everyone.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Yes, there are books there, but still...

I don't have a good relationship with libraries. Maybe it's just my local library. Maybe not. And this is despite me loving books, not wanting to waste money and not liking clutter.

In addition to the reasons above for me to like libraries, I have some good (great) memories from working in a local one for a few years during high school. That's where I met my loyal blog reader (right, you read it? Sometimes? Maybe?) and wonderful friend Moira. The library was in a mall and that added to the fun. The mix of stores, fast food and Moira and I at age 17 was amazing. There were a few guys who worked at the mall too, I recall. Ok, so all of that really had nothing to do with libraries. We could have worked in a light bulb store and had fun as long as we got breaks together.

Still, I kind of expect myself to like libraries and it doesn't work out that way.

Today I dropped by the local library with my son to pick up a book that I have on hold. There's a big chess set there (really big - you walk on the board and move the pieces around). My son set up the pieces and then we played. When I had time to look around, I looked at new and staff-selected books on display. None of them appealed to me. Instead, I felt like I didn't even like reading. And that's not me. I love reading, I really do.

I think of the contrast of this library visit to visits I make to book stores. There, books on subjects I'm not particularly interested in appeal to me. I would take so many books if I could. At the library, I can and I don't want to. It's weird.

Is it the dust jackets on books at libraries that get me? Is it that I just like brand new books? Is it that I just like books to be mine? Do I on some level fear other people's germs and whether or not they're hygienic with books at home? There is that. Hmm.

I really believe in equal opportunity to knowledge and other things in society. The concept of a library, where knowledge is available to all, is wonderful. I just don't enjoy the actual library.

I never get the idea that the staff is very happy to be there either. I'm not even sure that they love books. And I really don't understand that.

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read." Abraham Lincoln (And I would add, I'd like it new, clean and without a dust jacket. Thank you)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I Can Leave the Door Open Now

I was getting ready to vacuum downstairs today. I sometimes do that. I don't want to wear out the vacuum or anything but once in a while should be fine.

As I was moving things and plotting, I thought of closing the door to one room. I questioned why. It turned out that right now, there's no reason to close that door. The vacuum won't disturb a rabbit. It was so natural to me to just close it.

My rabbits, most recently my little princess Freckles, have been a part of my life. Maybe a bigger part than I'd realized.

I was kind of burned out on rabbit care. It was lacking somewhat but I had been through tough times myself and I was working at making things better again. I have some time now to see if I'm ready to take on another rabbit and give it the love it deserves. I don't know.

It's good to take some time on a pet decision. Obviously more people should think long and hard before they acquire animals. We owe it to the animals and ourselves.

I just don't like that Freckles is gone.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Looking at the hospital

I spent some time at the hospital today because that's where the hand clinic is and I still have an injured hand. Injured but healing, actually. See? I'm using two hands.

The hand clinic could be anywhere and going to it is an o.k. reason to find oneself in a hospital. Going to a hospital is, however, extraordinary if you stop to look at and think about it.

I tried to identify what it is that makes the experience so extraordinary and I think at least part of it is the mix of people. There are staff members from all levels of the medical hierarchy. You see them walking, working, talking. But in addition to their jobs, they're people too so they have work and their lives on their minds. There are visitors who come to see people in so many states of sickness and health. You see inpatients walking or being wheeled around. There are people waiting for day surgery and so many more patients that one doesn't see. They include tiny babies born early or and/or with some difficulties. Their visitors are overwelmed, worried parents. I know about them - the babies and parents.

In one brief trip to one floor of the hospital today, I saw almost all of these people. How many stories everyone there has to tell. How much compassion people who spend time there can use. How many diverse people must take comfort from a cup of coffee purchased at the lobby cafe.

Humankind is not perfect but a hospital is a place where you see that society is trying to do something right. People there are trying to make things o.k.

I hope that the young woman who had a little baby bump and was having cramping is o.k. And that her baby stays o.k. too.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

Down on My Blog

I feel somewhat that my blog is pointless. I may get enthusiasm for it back but right now the inspiration isn't quite there. And it's not that I'm down. There's a lot swirling about in my head these days. Good stuff. Maybe it is just not ready for words yet. The one-handed typing thing isn't helping either.

I will finish reading the book "Women Food and God" when I go to bed. I started reading earlier today. I have really, really read things in there that speak to me right now. I would call it a self-acceptance book. And through reading it and some other things that have been happening lately, I feel self-accepting.

And love it.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Just So You Know

I bought capri pants today. They're reasonably nice although I want them to be too big soon. I bought them at the Bay. Here's the weird thing: Somehow capri pants are considered fall clothes, the saleswoman told me, and thus not included in the current sale. She couldn't believe it either. So, I am ahead of the fashion seasons this year and I will be wearing capris in the summer. Am I avant-garde or what?

Ah, the Bay. I want to like the store but it's not really easy at times.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Contentment at the Ball Diamond

This evening I attended my son's ballgame. I wasn't sure about going as the temperature is still a little cool and it's the spectator's that really feel that. There's no regular pattern this year as to whether I go or not as the weather has postponed some games and kept me away from others. I also had to look for my chair. I'm nothing at a game without my bright blue chair. I found my chair and decided to go. I'm glad that I did.

I also brought a book for reading until the game started and at any slow times. I read until the first batter was up. Then I started watching the game and at some point, sitting out there in a big field with the evening sun on my face, I realized that I was enjoying myself. I wasn't looking forward to the game being over - I was content just the way things were. It was nice. It wasn't overly planned, feeling the way I did wasn't expected but it happened and it was nice.

Oddly enough, there were two other times today when I would have been ok if time just stood still for a while. I didn't want a situation to end. I was present and, dare I say, happy. It's wonderful to be there, be here, be in the now and pretty much only in the now. At least for a little while.


Monday, May 31, 2010

If anyone could tell me where my cell phone is, I'd appreciate it

My cell phone is in our house. It rang. It stopped. It has rung no more. I've tried phoning it. It has nothing to say, to me at least. I have looked. Others have looked. I think maybe I should go buy a new one just so I'll find out where the old one is. But if you could tell me its location, I'd be very grateful. Perhaps even generous. Tell me!


Saturday, May 29, 2010

Pet Loss

My son and I lost our pet rabbit Freckles today. My husband is away so wasn't involved at all. He had gotten her extra carrot tops before he went away Thursday. That was so sweet.

Freckles' last few hours were bad for her and us. And then a decision had to be made. I made what seemed like the best choice. I've never had to do that for a pet before.

The life force will get moving again; there will be new signs and feelings of hope. Not really so far. My son and I went to my niece's birthday party after Freckles died. That was somewhat nice and included seeing my 10 month old niece walking. We hadn't seen that before. Still, it wasn't a great time.

My pet was a rabbit. To some, it may seem like just a rabbit. I totally know that it's not the end of the world. But her death made me feel awful. That's real, raw. I'm not going to tell myself I shouldn't feel a certain way nor can anyone else. I felt awful; I admit it. To not do so would be wrong and is possibly how we go wrong in our emotional and/or mental health. Feeling awful isn't fun but it's honest and it's not forever.

I don't have a bunny to bring food to tonight. Her cage is empty. She is missed.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

I've been sitting here with my eyes closed

Yeah. I don't think I'm going to come up with much of interest to write tonight.

I worked at my last pizza lunch at my son's elementary school today. It's really quite an unpleasant job. I like the kids so much but the noise level in the lunch room is absolutely unbelievable. The kids are great though and I like interacting with them.

A highlight of going to my son's school, in addition to seeing my wonderful son, is seeing a little girl that I know from the preschool where I worked. She's in grade 2 now. She was in the 3 year old class when I first knew her and was one of the first children to really talk to me. She is still so happy to see me and the same goes for me. Today she needed 2 hugs. That's fine with me. It's amazing how one little child can make an adult feel so valued.

Oh, my eyes were closed again. I think it's time to give up, call it a day, sleep. Nighty night.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My Bag of Dirt

As so many things do, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Other people around the neighbourhood had ordered and received big, big bags of dirt and I ordered one. I wanted improve the flower bed situation at the front of the house. It was all my own doing and I was content that it would be my project. Then I broke my finger. Now I have an oversized bandage for a finger injury and we have an oversized bag of dirt on our front lawn.

My husband can be helpful at times but he's had a lot going on with work and our son's baseball. And this was to be my thing.

We may have this bag sitting on our lawn for a while. It's ornamental but that wasn't quite the way I intended to use it. I do try. Sigh.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

So tired

Urgent care centre almost wiped me out. Why I needed to go back there for my 8 day old injury to be checked, ask the medical world. Great people work there, no complaints, but the system that had me and a 16 year old wait about 2 1/2 hours each to have fractures checked isn't working well. What a waste of time. And we probably held up people who needed attention a lot more urgently. Not good. Glad my finger's making progress though.


Monday, May 24, 2010

A Gala - Really

I have no right to complain. I have done nothing to assist in the planning of my school's 50th reunion. The fact that I live many, many, many miles away doesn't excuse me as, these days, the world can be pretty small with technology. So, I won't really complain. I'll just ponder why part of the reunion is a gala. It's at a hotel. There will be tables. And presumably fancy clothes. Wow.

What I have in mind for this event is wandering around the school looking at things (I don't know what the things are, they're just things) and very occasionally running into someone I knew and talking to them. And introducing my husband and telling my son more than he will be interested in about my days at Victoria Park. I have it planned. Oh, and the memories. Even if I don't run headlong into people attached to memories, I will run into memories. Yep. Those memories. So, the gala doesn't really fit into my plans.

There are open house activities of some kind at the school as well as the gala so my vision may perhaps come true. There's also a pub night. How 50 years worth of students can attend a pub night or a gala for that matter is beyond me. But then, I'm not involved in the planning so how would I know?

Regardless, I will push the weight loss along. That is my role in the reunion for my school. Yes, it's self-centered and shallow. But it's high school we're talking about after all.


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Eat Well

I have been sitting here thinking of possible topics. Finally I thought, is there anything you have to say? Yes and it is: Eat Well. I didn't do that today and I haven't been at my best. Blech. We owe it to ourselves and the world to eat well. I'll try to do better tomorrow. So please, eat well.

And, don't fall. Just another tip. This injury thing sucks.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Overcaffeinated and Tired

That's a great combination and that's me right now. It's interesting.

I am tired and I am still a bit dragged down by my broken finger. But I also have bits of ideas floating around in my head and feel like biting into life.

It's wonderful to feel inspired and there certainly are many fascinating things in life. Tonight going to bed will win out though. I'll try to take big bites out of life tomorrow morning. Right after breakfast.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Arm as a Tool for Conversation

To me, my broken finger and oversized bandage is an inconvenience. It doesn't hurt much and I do as much as I can despite it. No big deal, usually no major pain.

To some people in the world, my bandaged hand is a conversation starter. I find it a little instrusive that the barista (there's that word again) at Starbucks asked straight out what I did to it but it was cute when the bus driver said that I wouldn't be playing tennis this weekend. And I don't mind at all that the nosy older man up the street asked about it. He seems a bit eccentric and he feeds rabbits and I'm glad that our street has him. It's not a problem that anyone mentions it really.

What I find interesting is that people who normally might not say much of anything, suddenly open up when they see this opportunity. Could it be that people want more opportunities to talk to and get to know people better and normally they just don't see an opening? I like the thought that people want to get closer to each other.

I don't plan on more falls to provide more fodder for conversation but I am open to chatting when people want to. Again, we all need to be heard. And we all need each other.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010


This evening I told my husband that we had to have a talk. He hates hearing this. He asked if he could get a beer or some chocolate first. He needs some form of solace.

I did not have a list of issues prepared this time and, to steal a line from Seinfeld (Festivus episode), there was no airing of grievances. I just wanted to tell him some things. And he sat. And he listened and he was very attentive. It was nice but a little weird.

Moments ago when I said that I was going to write in my blog, he asked if I was going to write about his attentiveness. Hmm. I wonder if it was really sincere.

All joking aside, I think attentiveness is vitally important. It is such an honour when someone listens and looks and really takes in what a person is saying. We need that. My husband is not always the best at this but the ability is there and tonight it shone through.

Maybe the fact that I didn't have a prepared list of grievances helped him relax a little too. I should probably try to keep those lists short. There are good things to say as well.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Blog Continued

I have found out over the last week that certain people in this house believe their critical work issues to be, well, critical and thus take precedence over my blog writing. Oh. Is that how it's going to be? I guess it is. Perhaps we could buy another computer but if we didn't have to compete for scarce resources, we might never see each other. I guess that it's better this way.

Yesterday in another nasty blow to my blogging experience, I fell (bad ankles and an extreme fear of falling make for some really dramatic tumbles) and broke a finger. No big problem but typing is a challenge.

On another issue, I'm planning to attend a big 50th reuinion at my school. (It's not 50 years since I graduated but 50 years since the school opened.) What could possily go wrong there? I want to lose 26 pounds first (and I will - heath and self-respect are only so powerful - I like spite as motivation). Still, I didn't enjoy high school that much and what turned into a bad relationship started there. Perhaps again it's a morbid curiosity for the unpleasant. It could really be unpleasant. Not that I expect someone will be there. Too far, too irrelevant for that big an ego to attend. Hard to say.

Anyways, I won't write long tonight. I'm pleased I can write at all.

My brother has suggested that I check my shoes for a clearer indication of which is left and which is right so that I stop falling. I guess I can't refuse any suggestions at this point. So, thank you to him but if he lived closer I would show him that I am still perfectly capable of throwing shoes. Left ones and right ones.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Breakfast really must be the most important meal of the day

I didn't have a good breakfast. I ate the small amount left in the cereal box and that was it. And, despite the fact I ate some decent things later in the day, I never got a lot of energy. Ever.

For some people, going without breakfast may be fine. I guess we're all different. I need to be a breakfast eater and I'm sorry to have lost parts of today to my lethargy.

Tomorrow, I will eat a better breakfast and try to set the world on fire. Well, not literally. That's just never a good idea.


Monday, May 10, 2010

The Star at Starbucks

Well, I didn't mean to make the heading so corny. But, it's done now!

Today my friend and I went to the Starbucks nearest to my house. It wasn't a fancy kind of trip during which we plan to engage in deep conversation. I love those trips but today's was more needed perhaps. She was having a rough day and we could both use the break. So we went to Starbucks. All it meant was that we had to walk to a different part of the grocery store. We could make it that far.

Our drinks were good and we each got a treat and a chance to sit down. That was all nice. The best part of this little event though was the coffee server. OK, barista to be accurate in Starbucks terms. I feel that may be another term my brother won't like. Oh well. The barista is a young man that we've seen there before. He's so friendly. I don't know a lot about his life other than that he had trouble with a flight being redirected one time, as did I. And I don't know how long he's worked at Starbucks or how long he'll stay. What I do know is that while he's there, he puts a lot of his warm, enthusiastic personality into his job and makes the coffee experience nicer by doing that.

Today, this young man was very excited about the new offerings of Frappuccinos. I didn't have enough time or brilliance to figure it all out and order one but I will. He was so enthusiastic and really had a lot of information.

I think it is great to see when someone really gives of themselves to a job. This "barista" does that and he makes a difference in the world. It may seem like a small difference but it's a difference and that's what counts.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

She's 88!

Wow. I just watched some of Saturday Night Live tonight and saw Betty White. She's incredible. She's funny. And quick. And great. Wow.

I am 44 years old and she is 88. I guess the excuse of being too old doesn't work for me.

I met Betty White once at an autograph signing. I liked her then. I think that she's amazing now.

I wish that everyone could live to be 88 and be that full of life. What a great lady.

Jay Z dedicated the song Forever Young to her. That was so touching.

What a show.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Oh My Poor Neglected Blog

I've been remiss. I haven't written. But I'm back. My new shipment of words is here and I've organized it.

Actually, I was too lazy to write for a few days. The new shipment of words sounds better though.

I wished Happy Birthday today to a man who grew up on my street and whom I played with quite a bit. He wrote back and it was nice. He's 45. I don't know how he got so old. That must be rough. We don't have a lot of contact but we have some. It is so nice. It's good when we get and take the opportunity to reconnect. We don't always get that chance and sometimes it's suddenly too late. That happened with someone else; he's gone forever.

To catch up on what else is going on, I am having some success at not buying magazines unless there is a really good one. I know that they can't all make my life perfect. I still wish that I could twitch my nose and make my house clean up. We were all set up for major disappointment on that count by the Bewitched show.

My wonderful marketing class is over. It was great. I am in a writing course for my PR certificate that is awful. I don't like to be negative but that is the way it is for this course. What a shame.

I spent the morning today with my wonderful 2 year old neighbour. He's a fascinating and smart little bundle of energy. He chose to wear his sunglasses inside for most of the visit. Pretty cool.

Well, I will go to bed. Tomorrow I hope to have a more probing, exciting, insightful, mind-blowing blog entry or two. Really? We'll see.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I'm out of words

Well, I've claimed before to have run out of conversation. Now it seems that I may have run out of blog material. I'll have to wait for a new shipment. Darn.

Maybe the weather has something to do with it. Delivery problems. Whatever the issue is, my brain has nothing right now.

The weather here has been abysmal and does not lead to a good mood. I don't associate May 4 with snowstorms of any kind, heavy or not. That doesn't happen where I come from. Sorry.

Actually, since a talk this morning with a woman I'm getting to know through a volunteer project at my son's school, I've had my head in southern Ontario for a lot of the day. I have a hankering to be in the Niagara Peninsula right now actually. I think that it would be quite pretty there. I was there last spring.

Anyways, here I am, where I am, and maybe tomorrow a new shipment of words and blog material will arrive at my door. Until then, I just won't have much to say.


Monday, May 3, 2010

Cleaning up in Facebook

I was just doing some tidying up in Facebook. I suddenly realized that I hadn't done a blog entry for today and that is why I am here now.

I was trying at first in Facebook to remove one video that I connected to somehow. I never did manage to remove it but found way more applications that I had authorized than I realized I had. And there were some to which I had give extra permissions. I have since removed a lot of extra permissions and probably over a hundred authorizations. Does it help? I don't know but it feels better to try to regain at least a little privacy.

Facebook still has its advantages and I'm glad that I joined it but I think it's good to step back once in a while and check that we're not allowing too much of our information to go to too many places without us even realizing it.


Saturday, May 1, 2010

What We Look Like

I have been in 2 cities where the Body Worlds exhibit has been on but I have not been to see it. I do not know whether I will go. I expect that I will. It might disturb me but as my very wise brother has said before about me "You have a morbid curiosity for the unpleasant."

Having seen advertising for the exhibit, I feel that I already know to some extent what it would be like. Interesting? Maybe. Upsetting? Quite possibly. I think too that it has the capacity to change the way that we think about each other.

From what I've seen of the bodies included in the show, and these really are human bodies with their skin removed, everyone kind of looks the same. I know that there are different sizes and poses, and bodies would be in different conditions of health and disease. But let's face it, none of them look a lot prettier or uglier or blacker or whiter. None of them has better hair. Whether they have acne or wrinkles or both is not apparent. Of course, for these departed people, none of this matters anymore. But did it ever?

To me, showing humans in these ways shows that superficial differences in appearance shouldn't matter. Clearly, underneath those differences, our bodies are pretty much the same. How does that translate to what happens in real life?

Well, we know what happens. Money and time are poured into looking good and trying to look young despite the realities of time and mortality. Physically attractive people seem to be treated better and get further ahead in some fields. I admit that I have a celebrity crush on an actor that I consider extremely attractive. Yes, I'm part of the problem. Society often treats looks like they matter.

Underneath everyone's surface, though, is a body like the ones we see at Body Worlds. I think that there's a lesson to be learned here.


Book Club Ran Late

Well, Book Club doesn't really have an ending time so it's o.k. that it ran as long as it ran. We ate a very lovely meal and we had good talk about many things including the book. I must go to bed now though. I will try to write a longer entry tomorrow.


Thursday, April 29, 2010

I Like Writing

Today I had to do an assignment for a writing class that I'm taking. I had left it until the last day. I worked on it throughout the day and admit that by the end, I had the word count toolbar on the screen and was just trying to get enough words. It wasn't the most exciting assignment in the world. Still though, it was writing and that's good.

I don't know yet where this writing thing will lead. I am just looking for opportunities to write. It's getting to the point, maybe, that I have to write. I have to find an avenue for expression. I don't know if I can express how excited I am about writing.

I have always been intrigued by the idea of people finding what they are supposed to be doing. I remember, years ago, looking at the work of a Mad magazine writer or artist and just knowing that he was doing exactly what he should be doing. I see actors born to act, paramedics who can handle that line of work, cooks born to cook, teachers born to teach and the list could go on and on. How are people seemingly designed for certain roles? It makes me think that maybe God plans this out. I find it a really interesting thing to figure out or at least to think about.

For me, writing may be my thing. I'm not saying I'm extremely talented at it but I believe that I have some aptitude for it and obviously, some interest. (It's 11:58 at night and I'm writing by choice. There's interest.) I hope that everyone finds or has found something that they love doing. It's truly great when you find it.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Pizza Lunch

I worked at a pizza lunch at my son's school today. That involves a little organization and distribution work in a lunchroom. Someone else organizes the whole things so it's not too difficult. It is confusing getting the right pizza choices to the right students and it's very loud but it's not bad. It's really nice actually because I get to see and help the students. Kids are great. I just love helping these people and it's so rewarding. I don't know how the lunchroom supervisors do it every day but it 's so nice to see how many great kids there are and that's just in one lunchroom in the world.


Too Busy

Today I was too busy. I still am. It's 11:21 and I'm writing my blog. I like being busy but sometimes it's busy-ness without quality and it's just plain tiring. By the time I had my great marketing class this evening, there wasn't much left of me. I guess the key is to finding out the things that are worthwhile and avoiding doing things that aren't. I'm glad to be out in the world these days but I am sure looking forward to my date with my pillow too.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Stay Tuned - 2 Entries Tomorrow

I don't think that I ate well enough today. My brain is offering up nothing for me to write tonight. That and the fact that my husband needs the computer mean I will head to bed. I give up. I throw my hands up in the air and say "This day is done." For me, it was an o.k. one. And now it's done.

There's no guarantee I'll be loaded with inspiration tomorrow. But there's always that hope.


Monday, April 26, 2010

Signs of the Past

I heard on the news last week about people who swam over to a deserted island at Disney World and snooped around. They took pictures. They got in trouble. Disney doesn't like that. I wouldn't really want to make Disney mad.

Now, I have enjoyed my few trips to Disney parks and hope to go again soon. They are magical places. But, I may be more fascinated to explore the deserted island than the places you're supposed to go. Abandoned places can be fascinating.

I am a generally well-behaved person and don't do the urban exploring that some people do but I am really intrigued by what these people find. I've seen pictures of an abandoned water park at Disney World too. It was so recognizable for what it had been but so obviously out of use now.

Closer to home, home being in 2 cities, I am fascinated by things like the generally unused subway station in Toronto that is under the Bay subway station. I am also fascinated that there were plans for something else at the Queen Street station too and I forget whether it was dug out or not. In the neighbourhood where I grew up, I find it interesting that there are 2 houses that predate everything else built there. What was it like there when they were built? And, if there was farmland all around, why were they built so close together? I am fascinated by old department stores and would like to snoop around every nook and cranny and see how things used to be. Were there lovely old restaurants? There may be hidden beauty. In Winnipeg, which is not home but is very interesting, the Eaton's downtown store was loaded in history. Sadly, it was taken down. I do have a book about it though.

In so many towns, there used to be railroad stations and now they're gone. There may be a Railway Street left behind, however, and finding it and the train tracks (if they're still there) may lead to the station site. In the city where I live now, my family has done a little research and driving around to find a former train station that is now apartments. I just find that so interesting.

I could go on and on but I won't. Suffice it to say there are also underground tunnels between buildings (which may or may not be used anymore), abandoned hotels and motels (which kind of freak me out), abandoned malls, old theatres (most theatres where I had dates are gone now), old amusement parks, old schools (which I don't like), abandoned towns and more. OK, I did go on and on. I like this stuff.

There are so many little bits of history around from times to which we can relate. I have a bit more trouble with the times when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I'm not interested in old battlefields but studying traces of history from our rapidly changing world is a real interest of mine. And having interests just helps make life fun.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Cleaning May be Fun

I'm starting to think that housecleaning can be at least somewhat enjoyable. Certainly the results are enjoyable but maybe the actual cleaning isn't all that bad too. I realized the other day that I like vacuuming and I don't mind cleaning kitchen counters. Hey, even cleaning the bathroom facilities is not the end of the world.

Issues, or at least my issues, with cleaning may arise from the apparent large scale operation that it seems to be. It's when the tasks are addressed individually that they're not that bad.

Having things a mess and not clean can also be a way of hiding or a way of punishing oneself. I really enjoy a clean, tidy house and I haven't given myself that pleasure. There may be a new beginning here as I appreciate my home and myself more than I have.

Whatever's going on, I'm sitting in a kitchen that is looking pretty much like it should and I know that a lot of other things around the house are coming along. It always has mattered to me and now it's starting to show.

I'm going downstairs to see my rabbit soon. I won't even pretend that her room is in good condition. I hope it's o.k. to have one room of shame. It's just a lot better when it's one and not every room in the house.


Friday, April 23, 2010


While out in the city this week, I enjoyed looking at many houses and condos but one house in particular caught my eye. It was not the nicest or biggest but I found it interesting. Surrounded by trees, it looked looked it was trying to put up a wall between it and the world around it. I can see why. It's on a corner lot, at the bottom of a hill, across from a transit station and near a very busy road. Its need for walls is apparent.

While that house has more reason than some to put up barriers, I'm struck by the idea that all homes are somewhat like it. The residents try to have a place where they can stake their claim and feel protected from the world. In whatever size or style around the world, and whether owned or rented, people want and need some kind of home. And what a treasure it is to have one.

I remember seeing a woman on tv sweeping her little hut somewhere. She had pride in it. I think of that sometimes as I try to keep my house clean.

As I try to convey what I am feeling (and I'm having some trouble) I feel a sense of gratitude or reverence or something for my home. It's not big and I can find many things I'd like to change but I think that appreciation for it is in order. It is home and I should honour it and do my best to keep it clean and ready to share with others.

Our homes are not fortresses; we can try to stake our claim but security is always somewhat of an illusion. But, in this life where nothing is ever guaranteed, our homes provide a place where we can live and gather and grow and rest. I'm grateful for my home.



Thursday, April 22, 2010

OK, I Really Don't Understand Twitter

Last evening in my wonderful marketing class, my incredibly savvy instructor talked about and showed examples of Twitter. I didn't understand it and decided to sign up for it to see how it works. Admittedly I have not spent a lot of time looking at it yet but, I must say, I am really confused now.

For some reason, I thought that I could just choose whoever or whatever I wanted to follow and I'd be tweeted when there were new Tweets. By the way, I think this Tweet stuff sounds ridiculous. If my brother hates the name blog (and he does) I can only imagine what he thinks of Tweeting. Anyways, I signed up for some interesting writing things. Next thing I knew, I was being told that people who are totally unknown to me are following me. Think about it: They're following me. I have nothing to "Tweet," I don't know how to be Tweeted or whether it hurts when you are, and I may scrap the whole thing some time tomorrow. And yet, somewhere in the world, there are people that think I will be worth following. Imagine the utter lack of meaning in their lives. Wow.

So, I'd say I have a bad taste for Twitter. I just don't get it. I like Google Alerts. With them, I enter a topic and get an email daily about new online information on that topic. That's all I want from Twitter. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe technology has finally gone just too far beyond me. Or maybe Twitter is something I simply don't need.

Oh, and there's also Foursquare. That's a whole other online world. I may almost understand that one but, again, do I need to?


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Lot of Bits and Pieces

For my second blog entry tonight, I don't think I really have anything to put into words yet. I have bits and pieces floating around in my head. There are ideas, there's some despair, some hope and some confusion.

I'm still trying to find my way. I guess a lot of us are.

By the way, for anyone out there who's done Myers-Briggs testing, I'd be interested to hear what types you are. I know for some of you and have enjoyed finding that out. In my opinion, those type descriptions contain a lot of truth. There are Myers-Briggs tests online and on Facebook. The Facebook one turned up the same type for me as other tests have. I'm an INFP.

I'll try to write some better blog entries soon. Two courses and lots going on has been a bit much for me lately. Sorry about that.


Wanted: One Beach

Yes. I want a beach. I want a beach on a large body of water. I want it to be close to my home. I don't know what to do about that.

I love to walk on the beach. I could put that in a singles ad, if I was single. I almost feel that I need to walk on the beach. But I don't have a beach anywhere near where I live that's of any size at all.

I know that largely, we make the most of wherever we live. Every place has its good and bad elements. But we only get one chance at life and I've never going to live by a beach if I keep living here. Sorry. I love my friends here and some other things about the city but long walks on the beach just aren't happening.

Just something I wonder about it. I know that there are Beaches elsewhere.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Two Blogs Tomorrow!

Well, it's 11:34 and it seems like it's past time for a blog entry. I'm sleepy and probably not at my best. Today was much better than yesterday. I even had my hair photographed. But I just don't have it in me to write much of anything tonight.

I hope that everyone had a good day. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in the world did?

Thought for the day - True friends are so much better than riches. I feel so blessed to have my friends.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Good Input, Bad Output

Today, I finish off not feeling particularly happy. Nothing horrible happened to me or my family, and that is good. I hope that other people are also doing well. But it was a day where I seemed to do the right things but some wrong things happened. Some things that hurt a little bit, each individually, and added up, kinda hurt enough to say that this wasn't a great day.

I caught up on some nagging things around the house, I went for a walk in beautiful weather, it seemed like it should be a good day. But small things happened and that's just the way it is.

I still feel like I have accomplished little in life some times and that, somehow, I still am the odd woman out. I still wish I could get past my neuroses or whatever and do things in life, in the house, in this world.

I guess it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I'll take at least 1 more step forward tomorrow. And get where I need to go.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

My Shower Curtain is Wearing Out!

I don't like to waste things. Sadly, I do throw food out sometimes. That's a shame. With other things though, if something still works, and is used, I keep it. It would be hard to get rid of a shower curtain in perfect condition. Even if it is about 17 years old.

I bought this shower curtain at K-Mart in Bayview Village Mall. Some people will know where that mall is. Yes, there was a K-Mart there. And it had good shower curtains.

While I like to update things, I don't like to throw things out for no good reason. And I don't know that a charity would want an old shower curtain.

I will wash this shower curtain and have another look at it. If it is indeed worn out, I will get rid of it in good conscience. Otherwise, it will go back up and continue doing its job. Landfills have enough items in them without any needless contributions from me.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Look at What's New!

Well, nothing yet. But I hope that there will be new things.

The world didn't get to where it is, and I like to believe it's at a pretty amazing place, without new ideas. I'd love to come up with some. How does one really do that? What new things are of value?

I'm not necessarily talking about physical things. No new kitchen gadgets or types of tv. Please no more types of tv. My husband talks about too many of them now. What about new ideas, new groups where people talk about or try to address concerns people have never formed groups for previously, what about new ways to share spirituality or look for God. What about new ways to help.

I wonder what wonderful new concepts we will all develop. How exciting!


The World Needs Bunny Huggers - Really

At a class the other night, I met a woman who works at the local Humane Society. Soon we were discussing my pet rabbits. She was grateful that I had adopted some of them from the Society.

Not long into our conversation, she asked if I would like to volunteer as a Bunny Hugger. I knew about this role. People come in and literally hug the bunnies that are living at the shelter. Once she said it, I started thinking that maybe I would like to do that. I did say, though, that I should hug my own rabbit more. And that is true.

I do not devote as much time to my pet as I could and probably should. I love her, I try to keep her favourite food in the house (carrot tops), I try to keep her house clean and I try to let her out to play. I'm better at some of those things than others. My intentions are good.

The thing for me to keep in mind is that helping one pet rabbit or any other animal is a good thing to do. It doesn't mean that I have to help or save every other animal too. If only we could. But we can't. I could go and hug every bunny; I could bring some more home. I could (easily) become the Crazy Rabbit Lady. If already I don't always do enough for Freckles, things could really deteriorate if I had more. So, if I know my limitations and do what I can, there's no need to feel that I should do more. To my rabbit Freckles, I mean a lot and helping her makes the world a teeny bit better.

I remember the Starfish story, used in a United Way campaign one year, I believe. Here is a link to that story:

It's nice to make a difference to one. I will go and get Freckles out.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Bonus - 2 Blog Entries Tomorrow

Stay tuned! Tomorrow - 2 entries!! None tonight except for this brief (and oh so exciting) announcement about the 2 entries tomorrow. I have no idea what they'll be. And this assumes I'll feel way more energetic and inspired than I do now. We can only hope.

Take care everyone.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Wonderful Course I'm Taking

This entry will be brief. I'm very tired. I had to open my eyes to start this post.

Part of the reason that I am tired is that I went to my Marketing course this evening. It's part of the PR certificate that I'm doing. I didn't expect to like the course too much and find some marketing kind of shady but this course is great. I don't think I've ever taken a more enjoyable class.

The instructor is truly a star and tries to give us as much information as she possibly can. She does that in class and on the Blackboard system that we sign on to outside of class. The Blackboard system is amazing too. We do not have to take notes in class (although that's a hard habit to break) as the material from class is posted there along with our assignments, announcements and grades. It's a great use of technology.

Other uses for technology make appearances in this course too. Social media is a large part of marketing now. It is incredible learning about all the tools available.

For me, this course is just so interesting. The time flies by and I look forward to getting into the course material in my free time. Taking all of these courses is a great way to build confidence, learn and feel like a part of the world again. I love this!

And now to sleep...


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Help when we can

Right now I feel that the material in some of my blog entries has been a bit trivial. This is especially when one considers what other people are going through. It's really not the end of the world to live on a quiet street, have too many books and have a tendency to overshop. I've had serious issues in my life too but none of the things listed above is very troubling.

Without naming any names at all or pointing in any directions at all, I will say that I am concerned about a friend of mine. She doesn't deserve her present situation. It's just not right at all.

In life, bad things happen. Everyone knows it. When they happen to us, it can be hard to reach out for help. But reaching out does help and people will help. When bad things happen to other people, it can be hard too. We don't want to invade privacy, we don't know if we're close enough to help, we may fear doing something wrong. It's worth trying though. It really is. Happiness doesn't always come from good things happening. Sometimes happiness comes from the help that people give us in really bad times. I'm so grateful that we all have the ability to help each other when we need it.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Weekday at home in the Suburbs

It's not a dark and stormy evening but it's a grey and drizzly afternoon here. That seems about as bad.

I don't know that I've written any blogs entries in the afternoon. Today, this is the perfect time to do it as what I'm writing about, I'm experiencing right now. Let me explain.

I have been home from work downtown since I left one Friday afternoon and didn't know that I'd have my baby 2 months early the next Friday afternoon. That was 9 1/2 years ago tomorrow. Wow. Since then I've worked for over a year in a preschool. I loved the kids but wasn't challenged. I thought I'd leave and easily find a new job. Quickly the job market changed and jobs disappeared. Here I am. I'm waiting for a turnaround and taking courses. And writing in a blog.

You see, despite the fact that I think it was wonderful to be with my son during his early years and I wouldn't trade it at all, I don't enjoy being at home during the day here. I hate it. It hates me. I developed anxiety beyond any I'd had before (although that's a lot better now). I don't excel domestically, I'm not intellectually challenged and except for getting together with friends and spending time on the computer, I don't know how much I enjoy at all.

Some people love this role. And that is great. People have many different talents and interests and some do very well at home. I don't.

I went to the mall and grocery store today and as I came to my street, I noticed the almost complete lack of movement on it, again. It's just so still and numbing.

I have had occasion recently to be in a trendy part of the city that is closer to downtown. There are people walking, interesting stores, restaurants, old buildings, traffic, life. I love it down there. It seems to love me back and make me feel alive.

I have to get out there, somehow. I am going to get out there. I will have to work around my son's schedule as he is my number one priority. But I'm a priority too and I need to thrive again.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Oranges and Apples and More

Today I was sitting in my living room eating a small orange. It could have been a clementine or a tangerine. I just know that it was small and it was orange and it tasted pretty good.

As I ate the orange, I wondered about what health benefits an orange brings. So many foods are touted for this or that benefit. It led me to thinking about apples and the adage about eating an apple a day keeping the doctor away. I wondered if when that was first said, people had ready access to apples like we do now. Maybe not.

I can't pretend that I appreciate how lucky we are to have so many fruits and vegetables available. I don't know any other way. My family and I don't always eat enough of them but they're available. When we do eat them, we enjoy them. Mostly. There are some vegetable complaints.

In this world, we hear that too many people don't have access to anywhere near enough food. And we do. It doesn't seem fair, it doesn't seem right. For me, thinking a little about the food I eat helps me understand how precious it is and the incredible importance of it to our lives. I'm not saying that this helps anyone else but maybe it's a start.

And clearly, I don't eat only local food or I would not be eating an orange. It's hard to do everything we should do. So hard.


Friday, April 9, 2010

Don't Tell Anyone

Here's a secret: I can cook. I don't cook good things often and I get out of it when I can but, if I apply myself in the kitchen, I can cook. Once in a while I even cook well. And I am pretty darn good at baking. So, there's hope. But what goes wrong most nights of the week?

Well, I don't plan. I don't plan when I buy groceries and I don't plan dinner early in the day. I shouldn't really be surprised by now when dinnertime arrives but it would seem that I am. This is not a proud tale. I want to change this situation. I bought a slow cooker and I appreciate that it is a good idea. But, I don't think ahead and use it. Just what is going on here?

While the planning would help, I know that before dinner, my mind is not at its best. Maybe it's low blood sugar. Whatever it is, I need to eat and I need to eat fast. Sometimes I may even be a bit grumpy before dinner. There are people who would confirm that. I won't ask them.

So, whatever stops me from cooking well, I want to stop it. I was looking on the Internet for new art prints to hang on our kitchen wall tonight and I found a set of prints entitled "Passion for Cooking" by Charlene Winter Olson. I wondered if I could develop such a passion. Could I lovingly chop vegetables and saute things and mix sauces and come up with wonderful meals? I hope so. I'm going to try. Good food is important. It's certainly worth some more effort.

I wish, for so many reasons, that we could have baked goods for dinner. That would really make things easier.