Flowers in California

Flowers in California

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Apparently I'm Unemployable

I have been out of the workforce for just over 10 years except for a brief and unfulfilling stint working in a preschool. Nice people, nice kids, boring job. No fulfillment. Other than that, I left my downtown office job 10 years ago this month and I've only been back to visit. I've missed downtown, missed earning money and just missed being employed. Not that I regret my time with my son - he's worth it all.

Anyways, my son is older now. I've applied for a job here and there over the years and had no offers. I didn't try too hard though. This fall, I had my resume professionally prepared and I have wholeheartedly put effort into some job applications. I thought that once I did these things, it would all take care of itself. I was wrong. So far, it's looking like I'm unemployable.

I acknowledge that I am 10 years older than when I last worked and that I have 10 years of not working in a formal job setting. I have volunteered in that time though, taken courses in a continuing education certificate program and handled more difficult challenges in the role of mother than any paid job would provide. If anyone thinks that my mind has gone to mush because I've stayed home for the past 10 years, they are wrong and they are missing out on a potential employee who knows herself, knows her strengths and limitations and is ready to work.

While I can't let any of this destroy my confidence in myself, it is a bit demoralizing. What do I do? I don't plan on going back to temp work unless the alternative is absolute poverty. It did lead me into a wonderful 5 year job before and great people with whom I worked but I don't know if I could do it again. It's so unpredictable and I just remember that as an ugly time in my life. Shudder, shudder.

So, here I sit, at home, with no job prospects on the horizon. Perhaps a 10 year employment gap is an easy way for employers, inundated with resumes, to take someone out of the running. It's their loss and I will find something I want to do and begin doing it. It just may not be a traditional job.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Starting Out

A newborn baby being found in a dumpster today. He was alive and has been taken to the NICU in our city. I have prayed for him.

Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my son was born and rushed to the same NICU. He was early, his survival was not guaranteed and his development and abilities if he did survive, uncertain. He's downstairs playing on his Playstation now. We had no certainty that would be the case then.

The little baby born today deserves, like every baby, to be loved and nurtured. How totally unfair that this is his start in life. My son's start was difficult, perhaps more for us, but he was always where he should be as far as care went and he was always very much loved.

There are so many wonderful people who would love to give this baby the love and future that he deserves. I hope that he ends up with people who will give him everything he needs to be happy and have a wonderful life from now on. I hope that soon he is well enough to feel the touch of people who care about him. He needs to know, in his baby way, that he is worthy of comfort and deserving of love.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Feeling Feelings

I thought that it was supposed to be a good thing to let ourselves feel our true feelings and not run away from them, not push them away with food, busy-ness or denial. The feelings themselves are what we should face.

I faced some real feelings today. I was extremely sad. It doesn't matter what it was about: I will survive and things happen. But I felt really sad and I've got to say, it was awful. I can see why people avoid that kind of thing.

I did survive the unpleasantness though and I did stop crying. My husband and a wonderful friend helped. I'm o.k. And now I am taking this experience and what it felt like and using it as fuel - fuel for understanding, fuel for deeper insight, fuel for the future.

It's o.k. to feel sad, I guess, but it sure doesn't always feel as therapeutic and romantic as I had somehow envisioned. It just feels really, really bad.


This and That and Other Things

I have not written much here lately despite lots of potential writing in my head. It just hasn't made it to the keyboard. My brain feels like it's accomplished things but my fingers have not held up their end of the bargain. I hope that they'll get along today and work together.

I took a "friend" off Facebook today. I don't mean to be dramatic about it but it matters to me and is not a step that's taken lightly. Something has changed with someone, someone who lives in the same city as me and there's not the connection anymore. It's sad.

On the brighter side, some friendships have been developing. I cherish those relationships and those with my other friends. I would love to have all my friends from near and far over for a nice party. There is always room in my house for friends. They just might have to get pretty cozy with one another. Not a lot of comfy seating.

Job-wise, it would seem so far from my job search that I am unemployable. I doubt that's true but I have no evidence to the contrary. I may have to make sure that my thinking and energy are directed at that which I truly want. Suddenly getting a full time job is huge. Am I ready?

My rabbit Powder is wonderful. I have loved all of my rabbits. This one, though, I really enjoy. Maybe I'm in a better place, maybe he's just funny, I don't know. But Powder is a bundle of joy.

I continue to love reading, books and gleaning new insights from reading and life. The Canada Post truck delivered 4 books yesterday which I opened and showed to a friend. It is divine to me to receive a delivery like that and so nice to have someone to show them to as well.

That's sort of where I'm at right now. Wherever that is.

I hope that everyone is doing well. This life thing isn't easy but it has some nice rewards along the way. I guess it is a reward in itself.