Flowers in California

Flowers in California

Monday, August 30, 2010

Today was a Turning Point

I hope it was anyways.

Today I came home with my son from an outing and sat at the computer. Although my son was in the basement, he was very quiet and I sensed what it will soon be like again when he is at school.

To be quite honest, I can't handle it.

I will miss my son when he's at school and I could get sad if I allowed myself to think about how he's growing up and going to a new school but that's not the point for me here. The point is, I need more stimulation than sitting in this house on this quiet, quiet street provides on a Monday (or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday) afternoon. I need challenge, people, activity and engagement. And it's not happening here.

So, rather than settle into despair or anxiety (again), I looked for a job and applied for one. It's a start; It has to happen. Something out there has to happen. Something has to take me back out into the world and back out there with purpose. I will go quite willingly. It will happen. I will make the changes that I need to make to be o.k. this school year. And beyond it too.

I am not cut out for staying home. Now we know. It just took a little long to really figure that out.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Sea

A week ago today, I walked along Clearwater Beach and had my feet in the Gulf of Mexico. It was wonderful.

Walking along the water always feels exquisite to me. I don't use words like that often and I don't know that I experience exquisite things that often. As well, I don't know why I in particular would have such an affinity to the sea. But I do.

I wonder if everybody feels such a connection. I don't know. It sure feels right to me.

I don't plan on moving to an oceanfront location anytime soon or necessarily ever. But I do want to go back to the ocean, sea, gulf, whatever regularly. I feel a certain something there that I feel nowhere else in the world.


Thursday, August 12, 2010


The song "Shine" was performed by Black Gold on "So You Think You Can Dance" tonight. I like the song. As I listened, however, I again doubted my ability to shine. I've been feeling more hopeful about my abilities and possibilities lately and then the doubt comes back. I guess that's o.k. but it does leave me less hopeful. What if I simply never do much at all? What if I don't develop my abilities, whatever they are, like so many women before me? What if I do not shine? For so very long, I've wanted to fulfill my potential. I believe so very much in people fulfilling their potentials. Why hasn't it happened? Really. It gets to be very frustrating.

By the way, Ellen Degeneres was on "So You Think You Can Dance" and she did so well! Dancing! I like her even more now.

And all the kids (well, kids to me) on that show display passion and dedication and fun and artistry. Their work is inspiring. Congratulations to the winner and congratulations to all who follow their passions and shine.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hoping for a Peace Treaty

I've been doing some thinking and realized that I don't have a good relationship with my body. It's not just one thing (although weight issues are a problem right now). It's more of an overall issue. I don't have a good relationship and it's possible that I pretty much never have had one.

I am not a talented athlete. I didn't feel attractive as a child. I thought that my neck was too long based on something a hairdresser said. My skin was too light according to some people. My hair was thin. There were other things too that didn't contribute to me feeling good about my body. I think that throughout my life, I have neglected what it needs or wants and really only paid much attention to it when it's hurt or not looking how I want it to look. I haven't respected it.

It makes me sad to realize this but it may be good. I want to learn how to care about what I eat. I want to be in tune with how my body feels. I don't want to be afraid of my body. I want to feel peaceful within.

While my relationship with my body developed for a group of reasons that's unique to me, I wonder how many other people would benefit too from addressing their body from the inside. Maybe other people are way ahead of me on this. Maybe not. I know that there's so much focus on weight loss. Maybe it's time to focus on feeling good within our own bodies and connected to them and feeling love for them.

Those are the thoughts I have on this matter right now anyways. I hope that I'm on the right track and going to make some peace with the various groups soon. OK, now I'm sounding crazy. I'll stop for tonight.

I can pick up sounding crazy another night soon.

Also, I credit the book "Women Food and God" for getting me thinking about food and the reasons we eat it and someone I spoke to yesterday who suggested I take a more loving approach to feeding myself. I am grateful for the input.