Flowers in California

Flowers in California

Monday, June 28, 2010

My Backyard

No, this is not a piece dedicated to the wonders of my lovely backyard. Rather, I realized this evening that I don't like my backyard much. It's not that nice.

This year the rain delayed my flower planting and there is a lot of weeding to do. Those aren't the only problems out there though.

I sat on the patio and felt like I should be enjoying it. Why? Yes, I was outside. That can be nice and I enjoy our front yard. But as for a peaceful environment, there were a lot of traffic noises, there is one bush, no trees and if you sit on the patio, you're in between the garage and house. It's not really scenic.

I know that there's a lot to be said for being grateful for things but maybe that can be taken a little far. It's not cast in stone that the backyard stays as is nor that we stay in this house. We can improve it or move.

I am glad that I made this observation. It's kind of empowering to realize that I don't have to just accept things as they are and make do. I can also make better.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

What a Week

Wow. I have had an astounding week. It's not only that it's been quite busy. The real excitement has come from the out of the ordinary events that have happened. I am glad they did.

My grade 4 teacher visited. I didn't know how it would go. It went so well. She and her husband were wonderful to talk with and lovely guests. And she and I really reconnected after an incredible amount of time and we stayed up incredibly late talking. It was about 2:20 in the morning when we gave out. I am grateful that they visited.

I went on a school field trip this week. That wasn't so good but it was an experience. It gives me more food for thought. And it did come to an end. That was good.

The grade 4 celebration at my son's school was a rewarding volunteer experience for me. I hope that everyone enjoyed it. I enjoyed getting to know another mother through working on it. My son is moving on to middle school. Wow.

Talking to my brother on the phone for close enough to 4 hours was amazing. I treasure that relationship. We're both pretty good talkers.

I probably should have stayed home for the last day of my son's time at elementary school. I have some bad feelings now about someone there. I ended up feeling humilated and like I had given away too much to someone. I feel things very deeply. There was good there on that day too though.

Today I adopted a rabbit. Why not? I also had some people over for dinner.

I had decided to dig into life. I did that this week. I'm glad that I did. The soil of life has turned out to be rich. I want to enjoy the garden and hopefully I can help others enjoy it too. I hope.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Oh the Baking

I baked. I haven't done much baking for a while. I still know how. I still make a mess. I make a big, honest mess.

Whatever good baking does, I don't know. Most of what I bake is very fattening. It's tasty though. And it connects me to women in my family who came before me.

When I think about it, the connection to my female ancestors may be what attracts me to baking. They didn't have the easiest lives and may not have been as happy as I would like them to have been. I hope that baking was something they enjoyed.

I have many more opportunities than these women had. I may feel guilty about that. When I bake, I share an experience with them and am on a lot more common ground. I like standing there with them for a while.

I will try to remember to look at baking as a way to honour these past relatives of mine.

I am not them, however, and I want to believe, I hope I'm starting to believe, that it's o.k. to grasp at things, reach for things, and achieve things that they never could.

I am getting hungry for a lot more than baked goods. I am getting hungry for life.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I have a topic about which i will write but I'm done for the day. It has been every busy lately around here. I have been very busy. Good stuff.

Just watched the news. There's always sadness too. We're all in this together.

Talk tomorrow and take care.


Friday, June 18, 2010

To Believe

I really wish that I had more belief in myself. I've made what I think are some positive changes and identified that I love writing but I still can hear the little voice that says I'll never publish anything, never really do anything. I hope that I'm getting beyond that. I wish that I had conquered that. But I have not entirely done either of those things.

I just want to take on my role in life. I appreciate this quote:

"We are like violins. We can be used for doorstops, or we can make music." - Barbara Sher

I've been a doorstop.

Whatever music I can make, whether it be through writing or working with learning challenged children or helping the poor or listening to people or having fun promoting some organization, I want to make that music. I want to just play it.

It is time to emerge from behind the door.

And, I hope at least, to soar.

JAHD - Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Nice Surprise

This will just be a short entry tonight. I must go to sleep.

I had a nice surprise today. My husband showed up at my son's school film festival, as I had asked him to do. He didn't think he could because of work. At the end of the (incredibly well done) student films, I found out that he was there. It was such a pleasant surprise.

Such a surprise is so nice. We don't even know that we have the potential for that boost of happiness until we get it.

I think that there should be more pleasant surprises in the world. They're wonderful.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Trying to Find the Inspiration

It's not a matter of finding material for my blog. I'm not sure many people read it anyways and whether people do or not (I want you to and I appreciate those that do), I can come up with something for it. Rather, I just need material to have in my head throughout the day, to work on, to pursue. Right now, with the disappointing weather that we have, I'm not especially inspired.

Because I'm not inspired, I find that I have to think of things that I'm normally interested in and pursue them. Interests do come alive again. So that's good. It's just a bit of a struggle. It's a shame that in June, a month that seems like it should be one of the more energetic ones, the weather is the way it is. We shouldn't depend on it for our happiness, I suppose, but I think that we should get to enjoy good weather and its positive effects sometimes.

It's hard to enjoy our weather right now. I hope that everyone, regardless of where they are, is enjoying these days anyways. It's worth a try whatever it's like outside.


Monday, June 14, 2010

I'm Glum

I'm just feeling kind of glum. The weather sucks, again and again. I feel kind of bored which is rare for me. I'm kind of lonely which is not perhaps that rare for me. I am feeling kind of down.

Feeling down or depressed is not a particular specialty of mine. I've dedicated a lot of time to anxiety - not so much to depression. With anxiety, it seems like things will be better. When I feel down, I'm not so hopeful.

I don't think that my down feelings will last long. It must be awful for people who feel this way continually.

I bumped into someone on the street today and we talked. I know her a limited amount but once in a while we get talking and today's conversation was our best yet. She talked about her situation in life and I talked about mine. Any obstacles that I mentioned to me doing what I want to do, she came up with solutions. It was a very positive experience talking to her.

Life is a struggle. I find it that way anyways but I keep trying. It's all we can do. And we can remember that we're all in it together and we can maybe help each other. It's worth a try. I appreciate that Rosie helped me feel better today. I hope that she does well in her new venture.

JAHD - Oh, did anyone notice that I have no bandage at all on my hand tonight? Pretty cool, huh? Hey, I feel more cheery now. Take care, everyone.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Yes, there are books there, but still...

I don't have a good relationship with libraries. Maybe it's just my local library. Maybe not. And this is despite me loving books, not wanting to waste money and not liking clutter.

In addition to the reasons above for me to like libraries, I have some good (great) memories from working in a local one for a few years during high school. That's where I met my loyal blog reader (right, you read it? Sometimes? Maybe?) and wonderful friend Moira. The library was in a mall and that added to the fun. The mix of stores, fast food and Moira and I at age 17 was amazing. There were a few guys who worked at the mall too, I recall. Ok, so all of that really had nothing to do with libraries. We could have worked in a light bulb store and had fun as long as we got breaks together.

Still, I kind of expect myself to like libraries and it doesn't work out that way.

Today I dropped by the local library with my son to pick up a book that I have on hold. There's a big chess set there (really big - you walk on the board and move the pieces around). My son set up the pieces and then we played. When I had time to look around, I looked at new and staff-selected books on display. None of them appealed to me. Instead, I felt like I didn't even like reading. And that's not me. I love reading, I really do.

I think of the contrast of this library visit to visits I make to book stores. There, books on subjects I'm not particularly interested in appeal to me. I would take so many books if I could. At the library, I can and I don't want to. It's weird.

Is it the dust jackets on books at libraries that get me? Is it that I just like brand new books? Is it that I just like books to be mine? Do I on some level fear other people's germs and whether or not they're hygienic with books at home? There is that. Hmm.

I really believe in equal opportunity to knowledge and other things in society. The concept of a library, where knowledge is available to all, is wonderful. I just don't enjoy the actual library.

I never get the idea that the staff is very happy to be there either. I'm not even sure that they love books. And I really don't understand that.

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read." Abraham Lincoln (And I would add, I'd like it new, clean and without a dust jacket. Thank you)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I Can Leave the Door Open Now

I was getting ready to vacuum downstairs today. I sometimes do that. I don't want to wear out the vacuum or anything but once in a while should be fine.

As I was moving things and plotting, I thought of closing the door to one room. I questioned why. It turned out that right now, there's no reason to close that door. The vacuum won't disturb a rabbit. It was so natural to me to just close it.

My rabbits, most recently my little princess Freckles, have been a part of my life. Maybe a bigger part than I'd realized.

I was kind of burned out on rabbit care. It was lacking somewhat but I had been through tough times myself and I was working at making things better again. I have some time now to see if I'm ready to take on another rabbit and give it the love it deserves. I don't know.

It's good to take some time on a pet decision. Obviously more people should think long and hard before they acquire animals. We owe it to the animals and ourselves.

I just don't like that Freckles is gone.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Looking at the hospital

I spent some time at the hospital today because that's where the hand clinic is and I still have an injured hand. Injured but healing, actually. See? I'm using two hands.

The hand clinic could be anywhere and going to it is an o.k. reason to find oneself in a hospital. Going to a hospital is, however, extraordinary if you stop to look at and think about it.

I tried to identify what it is that makes the experience so extraordinary and I think at least part of it is the mix of people. There are staff members from all levels of the medical hierarchy. You see them walking, working, talking. But in addition to their jobs, they're people too so they have work and their lives on their minds. There are visitors who come to see people in so many states of sickness and health. You see inpatients walking or being wheeled around. There are people waiting for day surgery and so many more patients that one doesn't see. They include tiny babies born early or and/or with some difficulties. Their visitors are overwelmed, worried parents. I know about them - the babies and parents.

In one brief trip to one floor of the hospital today, I saw almost all of these people. How many stories everyone there has to tell. How much compassion people who spend time there can use. How many diverse people must take comfort from a cup of coffee purchased at the lobby cafe.

Humankind is not perfect but a hospital is a place where you see that society is trying to do something right. People there are trying to make things o.k.

I hope that the young woman who had a little baby bump and was having cramping is o.k. And that her baby stays o.k. too.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

Down on My Blog

I feel somewhat that my blog is pointless. I may get enthusiasm for it back but right now the inspiration isn't quite there. And it's not that I'm down. There's a lot swirling about in my head these days. Good stuff. Maybe it is just not ready for words yet. The one-handed typing thing isn't helping either.

I will finish reading the book "Women Food and God" when I go to bed. I started reading earlier today. I have really, really read things in there that speak to me right now. I would call it a self-acceptance book. And through reading it and some other things that have been happening lately, I feel self-accepting.

And love it.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Just So You Know

I bought capri pants today. They're reasonably nice although I want them to be too big soon. I bought them at the Bay. Here's the weird thing: Somehow capri pants are considered fall clothes, the saleswoman told me, and thus not included in the current sale. She couldn't believe it either. So, I am ahead of the fashion seasons this year and I will be wearing capris in the summer. Am I avant-garde or what?

Ah, the Bay. I want to like the store but it's not really easy at times.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Contentment at the Ball Diamond

This evening I attended my son's ballgame. I wasn't sure about going as the temperature is still a little cool and it's the spectator's that really feel that. There's no regular pattern this year as to whether I go or not as the weather has postponed some games and kept me away from others. I also had to look for my chair. I'm nothing at a game without my bright blue chair. I found my chair and decided to go. I'm glad that I did.

I also brought a book for reading until the game started and at any slow times. I read until the first batter was up. Then I started watching the game and at some point, sitting out there in a big field with the evening sun on my face, I realized that I was enjoying myself. I wasn't looking forward to the game being over - I was content just the way things were. It was nice. It wasn't overly planned, feeling the way I did wasn't expected but it happened and it was nice.

Oddly enough, there were two other times today when I would have been ok if time just stood still for a while. I didn't want a situation to end. I was present and, dare I say, happy. It's wonderful to be there, be here, be in the now and pretty much only in the now. At least for a little while.