Those People in That Book

I treasure each and every one of my friends and feel blessed to know all of them.  And then there are those people in that book.  I'm not sure what to do about them.

Having lived in this community for about 17 years, there are people that have come and gone in my life for various reasons.  We got along at the time, perhaps would have become friends if our time together had been longer, but friendships did not develop.  And that's ok.  And then I run into these people at the mall.  And the problems start.

It is nice to run into people and to catch up on life and talk for a little while.  But I don't know what should happen next.  What does happen for me is that we exchange numbers (I tend to record them in my purse notebook) and then we don't phone each other.  Ever.  That makes me uncomfortable.

Recently, I was going through my notebook because it was full and I wanted to recycle the pages.  The numbers are still there.  They are still waiting.  For me, the issue needs resolution.

I do not bear full responsibility here.  No one has phoned me either.  So, three people out there kind of like me but won't go as far as arranging a coffee or lunch date.  And that's how I feel about them too.  That's ok.  I wonder though if next time I run into an acquaintance in the mall, we should just admit up front that there is very little chance our friendship will go much further.  And if we're going to have coffee together, we'd better rush over to Starbucks right away before the feeling passes.

JAHD

Robin's Nest

We have a robin's nest just outside our kitchen window.  Yesterday,  a bird could be spotted sitting in it.  We don't know if there are eggs yet.  The mother (maybe father?) has built a great nest in a sheltered spot under the eaves.  It's incredible that such a little bird knows what materials to use and how to construct a nest.

Over the last few days, we had some maintenance done to the outside of the house.  Logically, it would have made sense to remove the nest.  We didn't make the logical decision.  The nest stayed right where it was and work went on around it.

It is easy to try to obtain control over nature.  We do it in some many ways and, unfortunately, if we hadn't obliterated a lot of natural settings, we wouldn't have built very much at all.  I don't know what the right balance is in the larger sense.  I do know that letting one bird nest stay where it is seems like the right thing to do.  I hope that the little bird family does well.

JAHD

To Volunteer or Not to Volunteer

Yesterday I spent about four hours standing in a windy park monitoring children using two bouncy castles.  There were a few injuries and some tears (I hate to see the tears) but everyone was able to walk away from the castles, including me, without medical attention.  Woo-hoo!

I am not mentioning this lengthy shift to make myself look good.  Oh no.  Rather, this was an example of me not asking strongly enough for volunteers and people not responding to the requests that they received.  We should have had way more people to help.

I know that I am not the only volunteer organizer who has had trouble recently getting enough people to help.  Events like fundraising casinos and baseball celebrations cannot run well without enough people sharing the load.  The question arises, should these events continue to run or not?

There are people who volunteer a lot.  Some of them do so because they can afford the time and want to help, others help even if they can't afford the time.  There are others who come to events and, while I don't know their life circumstances, don't seem to consider that they could be helping out too, just like me.  It doesn't take advanced study to stand outside a tent, repeatedly make sure it's not overloaded (no more than six at a time) and occasionally yell at kids over the generator noise and general screaming.  Volunteers are not a separate species - we are just people who are helping.  And many hands make light work - or so the saying goes, and we could use many hands.

I think people should be given a choice that events run if people help and if there are not enough people, there won't be as many events and as much fundraising.  Otherwise, the same people who volunteer at event after event will continue to do so, unless they get tired of it all, because they believe that by helping we do our part to make the world a little better.

I am not sure what I will do should my son play baseball next year and I see the volunteer sign up sheet again.  Oh, maybe I will just plan on more bouncer monitoring.  I'm pretty sure there won't be any competition for the position and I'm really good at counting to six now.  And, as the day wore on, I got a lot more assertive telling the kids what to do.  Maybe by next year, I will be able to stand up to their parents as well and demand they work for a shift or two.

JAHD

Should you really be calling me that?

Within the last few minutes, I tucked my son into bed.  I think I did particularly well on the tucking in tonight - the comforters were nicely arranged around him.  He looked comfortable.

As I left his room he said "Good night Mum."  Given the nature of our relationship, this is reasonable.  I am his mother and have been for over 10 years.  Still, though - he got me as a mother and I've fooled him into believing that I am suited for this role.

It's not that I'm criticizing myself here.  What I'm saying is that it's hard to see myself as a mother.  I'm still me.  There were bumps in the road to becoming a mother. And after he was born I didn't know what I was doing and I haven't taken formal education for this position along the way.  I'm still doing (some of) what a normal parent does for him and I love him more than anything in the world but, wow, I'm what's passing for a Mum these days.  Incredible.

Again and again, people become parents.  And suddenly a little person depends on these people who are in a position of importance solely because the little person has come along.  We hope that the parents know or will learn what to do.  But there are no guarantees.

Kids count on their parents, step-parents, god-parents, grandparents.  They don't have much choice.  It's an awesome reponsibility raising children.  And it's incredible that it's just normal people who are given the responsibility to handle it.

Happy Mother's Day!

JAHD

I Wish I Had Known

I wish I had known that I mattered,
I wish I had known that I was worthy and wonderful too
It wasn't just that I got to date someone
He got to date me
A guy can't save a girl
Can't make her happy, make her fulfilled
Can't make it right
I wish I had known these things
I thought that, if only I was in love,
Everything would be ok
Everything
Someone would take care of me
I wouldn't have to bear the burden of creating my own happiness
I wouldn't have to bear the burden of figuring out my life
I found out, as we often do, the hard way
That what I believed was wrong
I am still learning that I make myself happy
Or not
That no one can save me, be my prince
I am as royal, as strong
I don't hate anyone I once loved
It wasn't his fault
He couldn't carry my load, I shouldn't have expected that
I understand now
But I wish I had known

Avenues in Life

As a new day starts, there is so much possibility.  What will each of us do today?  What do we hope for today?  Are we sad, happy, afraid, ambitious, resigned, or just going about our lives?

I have very little routine in my life.  Some would suggest that I accomplish very little and a routine would help.  Perhaps that is true in some ways.  I live more in the world of possibilities though and I try to find and reach for them as I go along.  I'll miss some and hit some and try to enjoy the process.

While routines can help us get things done by providing a framework for living, I would never want to be tied to rigidity and be closed to the newness of each day.  There are so many avenues to go down or at least look down in life.  By sticking to routines, we might miss them.  I think life will be richer if we don't.

JAHD

Good Enough

It used to be self-help books.  I acquired them en masse with the hope that they would help me, improve me, change my life.  I thought they contained things I needed to know.

More recently, I have been acquiring quotes.  I like words, of course, but that's not the whole reason.  I also feel a need to capture quotes for fear that if I don't, I'll be missing something.

While my quote phase isn't over, it has been joined by a search for tips on writing.  I feel a need to capture and save these too.  And, I have a tendency to look up more classes, workshops and retreats for writing.

As technology and my pursuits have evolved, I have acquired fewer physical items.  Quotes and writing advice and classes don't take up as much room and create as much clutter as self-help books.  That's good.  I don't think the meaning behind these pursuits has changed though - I am still looking for ways to improve.  While growing and learning are good, I find my pursuit of others' input overwhelming, somewhat tiring and kind of discouraging.  Isn't my inner wisdom enough?  Isn't that what led me to writing in the first place?  No one told me to do that.  I didn't need a quote on the wall.  And I don't need to go through a list of tips to write.  But somehow, now that I like writing, I am on the hunt for how to do it better .  And it's not helping my writing or how I feel about it.  Just like few of the many, many self-help books I bought helped me.  In the end, I found my own way.  I think it is time to trust my own voice.

JAHD

Strengths? Me? Really? Huh

I think it may be time for me to take myself a little more seriously and to say nicer things to myself.  I seem to have taken belittling myself too far.  I want to believe there are good things about me.  I have a plaque on a wall which includes the phrase "Own your talent."  Whatever my talents are, I don't think I should laugh them off.

One quality of mine worth appreciating is my decorating taste.  I was sitting at my dining room table today facing a very chatty man who was there to give an estimate on painting the outside of our house.  As I sat, fighting off death, I noticed that I really like the decorations, sideboard and wall colour in the dining room.  I felt like someone else must have chosen it all as it looked so good.  It was me though and I guess I have some success in that area.

It is hard for me to leave the above paragraph in.  I will try.  I will also try to focus on good things I can find about myself and thus know what qualities I can use and share in the world.

I guess another strength is surviving hour and a half paint estimating sessions with chatty people.  The guy was nice but I suffered.  That's one strength I hope I don't have to use again anytime soon.

JAHD

The Woman Who Goes to the Mall

It's not that I didn't earn the comment.  I did.  It's not that I hold it against my mother-in-law for making the comment.  She's allowed.  But when my mother-in-law commented, while talking about a  neighbourhood in the city which is close to a mall, that I would like it for that reason, it stung.  Is going to the mall all that people think I do in life and, worse, are they right?

I live close to a mall now and I have spent a lot of time at it.  I admit it.  I hate to think though that I have not accomplished a great deal more in my adult life.  But I don't have a lot of other claims to fame.  And despite all the wonderful ideas I come up with, if I don't carry them out, they don't make  much difference.

Spending as much time as I have with my son has been very worthwhile and I think that he has benefitted from it.  He has spent a lot of time out of the house over the past 6 years though and I have spent a lot of time doing, well, things.  I have no regrets over any time spent with friends but I do regret lost time over the last few years.  I can do more.

I want to do more than go to the mall.  I want people to know that I can do more than go to the mall.  I think it's time for us to break up.  And try to still be friends.  And with this relationship, I think that will work.

JAHD

Shortage of Supply

I may be out of things to say.  I hope that it's a temporary shortage but I can't be sure.  Maybe some great revelations are bubbling up under the surface and soon they will appear.  Again, I can't be sure.

It's strange with writing.  As much as a person wants to write, and enjoys writing (and I really do), there has to be something to say, an idea, a seed.  Sometimes those find their way to us, sometimes they don't.

I heard a teenage boy on the bus yesterday talking about his drumming.  He hadn't drummed much this year and he figured other musicians were better than him.  They might be, for now at least.  I hope that he doesn't give up though.  I hope that if wants to drum, if he loves drumming, he practises and gets better at his craft.  If he wants to drum, he should.  There's a reason.  There has to be.

With writing, practise helps too, they say.  I just hope I get a new shipment of things to say.  And soon.

JAHD