All Twinkly and Bright

I discovered today that even when I'm alone in a room, it's nice to have the Christmas tree lights on. It doesn't have to be a shared experience - my experience mattered. It was really nice sitting and reading in the living room with the tree on.

I don't know if I'm excited about Christmas. To a certain extent, I enjoy Christmas shopping and the greetings that come and go at this time of year. There can be touching acts of kindness. There is charity. For me, I don't know how I feel about the day itself.

Looking at the tree today, it seemed like more than just a meaningless symbol. It touched me. It was real (even though it's artificial). It is nice to have something so special set up because it's Christmas. It's a big concept to understand but it's nice to have a tree to help us.

JAHD

Why do I do this?

I make the holiday season more difficult than it has to be. On a larger scale, maybe I do that with life too. But in the holiday season it's very apparent that I do it.

Within the last hour, I sat here and tried to figure out which of the presents I have purchased are right for my Mum's birthday and which are right for Christmas. I could simply divide them up in the way that I had previously intended, wrap them and send them off later today. That would be productive and I would benefit from the fact that I have this shopping done. It is a struggle to avoid it becoming much more complicated though. I am trying to accept that whatever mix I come up with for each occasion is fine but, well, we'll see.

With Christmas cards, I have not started writing them. I assume that there are some downstairs and if not, I can quickly go and buy some. I've seen some nice ones out there. With the cards, though, I do not have to make the writing of them an exhausting, perfection-seeking experience. I could get my address book, get out stamps (I just did that) and sit down and quickly but nicely write them. It doesn't have to be too draining. It would probably feel great to have them done.

It is sad that we can put so much pressure on ourselves to get things just right. Looking at my house sometimes a person would likely be surprised that I have perfectionistic tendencies. But when you do have these tendencies, it can be hard to do things because you do not want to do them less than perfectly. I want to let that go.

So, I will try today to get my parents' presents ready and to get Christmas cards done. It is not impossible but it is very difficult to do everything perfectly. And there's really no need to do so.

I hope that everyone is enjoying this Christmas season.

JAHD

Back to the Gym

OK, I haven't gone back to the gym yet. But I will tomorrow or the next day. Really. And once I start again I hope that my attendance record is as good as it was from August to November. I will work at it again.

Initially I stopped going because I was away. Somehow, when I was away I hurt my back. It was pretty incapacitating for a while. It was yucky. But it's better now. And I really have no more excuse.

For a while it seemed that it didn't matter that I wasn't going to the gym. Oddly enough, I finally lost weight and I didn't feel any different. Over the last few days or so, however, I've noticed that I'm getting out of breath again. And I need more naps. I'm not thrilled about these developments but they show that going to the gym was making a difference to my body. And I want that goodness for myself again.

JAHD

Reunion - High School, My School

I went to the Open House portion of my High School's 50th anniversary celebration. And I'm glad that I did. Woo hoo!

The Open House was not that exciting. My son got to see my old school. I think I found myself in one picture. We met up as planned with my friend Patty and we ran into a few other friends. I talked to one teacher who had no idea who I was. And we left.

The good thing about this event is that now my high school experience has ended on my terms. I went back, I didn't feel much of anything for the school and I left as an adult. I no longer walk in the shadow of a guy (one in particular) not worth my time, hoping for a future with him that didn't happen. The guys at school weren't worth as much of my attention as they received. My friends deserved more. I deserved more. And I know that now.

Happy 50th Anniversary to VP! And thanks for a nice open house.

JAHD

The Phone

Perhaps the phone never was the best means of communication.


Sure, I like the phone. One night this year I talked to my brother (who often goes by the name of Anonymous) for over 4 hours on it. It can be a good way to connect. And it is a good way to relay information quickly. But I can be rather shy when it comes to using the phone and I don't mind that there are a number of other means of communication now that we can use in place of the phone.


Perhaps things started off badly for me with the phone when one of the first calls I made was to a wrong number. That shook me up. But it's not just that. When you phone someone, you don't know if they or someone else will answer, if they're busy or want to talk. I think that call display is useful in that you know when someone who has it answers, they do want to talk to you at least briefly. On the phone though, you must come up with responses quickly. There's little time to reflect. If you are at all nervous anyways about who you're talking to, these factors can make things worse.

I like texting. I like messages of various kinds on Facebook. And the method of communication I like best of all is face to face. I like sitting down with someone and really listening and really talking. I can see a person's body language, their expression, what they're wearing. I can get more information from these things than I can from a voice on the phone.

I will keep calling and I will keep answering but I will not be sad that the phone is not as popular as it once was.

JAHD

I Wish I Knew that I Belonged Here

I still don't know. I've lived here for 16 years and I still don't know that this city is home. I have incredibly wonderful friends here. I am so blessed to have them. Less importantly, but very handy, there is a great set-up where I live - walking distance to many, many first rate shopping, recreation and library facilities. This is not where I grew up though and it never will be.

I was back home just over a week ago. I love flying to it and getting closer and closer. It's not just the city - it's the region. It's Toronto. It's the GTA. It's southern Ontario. It's home.

So, what do I do? The rest of my family (husband and son) are at least semi-interested in moving too. It would be great for my parents. I would be surrounded by so much more of what I love there. There are so many potential country drives to historically interesting towns, there are lakes, there are more jobs in areas of interest to me and there is Bloor Street on a busy Friday night. I even love that. It's my city.

I don't know. I do not know but the city from which I moved in my younger days is calling me and it might be expecting an answer soon. I can't pretend that I don't hear that call.

JAHD

Apparently I'm Unemployable

I have been out of the workforce for just over 10 years except for a brief and unfulfilling stint working in a preschool. Nice people, nice kids, boring job. No fulfillment. Other than that, I left my downtown office job 10 years ago this month and I've only been back to visit. I've missed downtown, missed earning money and just missed being employed. Not that I regret my time with my son - he's worth it all.

Anyways, my son is older now. I've applied for a job here and there over the years and had no offers. I didn't try too hard though. This fall, I had my resume professionally prepared and I have wholeheartedly put effort into some job applications. I thought that once I did these things, it would all take care of itself. I was wrong. So far, it's looking like I'm unemployable.

I acknowledge that I am 10 years older than when I last worked and that I have 10 years of not working in a formal job setting. I have volunteered in that time though, taken courses in a continuing education certificate program and handled more difficult challenges in the role of mother than any paid job would provide. If anyone thinks that my mind has gone to mush because I've stayed home for the past 10 years, they are wrong and they are missing out on a potential employee who knows herself, knows her strengths and limitations and is ready to work.

While I can't let any of this destroy my confidence in myself, it is a bit demoralizing. What do I do? I don't plan on going back to temp work unless the alternative is absolute poverty. It did lead me into a wonderful 5 year job before and great people with whom I worked but I don't know if I could do it again. It's so unpredictable and I just remember that as an ugly time in my life. Shudder, shudder.

So, here I sit, at home, with no job prospects on the horizon. Perhaps a 10 year employment gap is an easy way for employers, inundated with resumes, to take someone out of the running. It's their loss and I will find something I want to do and begin doing it. It just may not be a traditional job.

JAHD

Starting Out

A newborn baby being found in a dumpster today. He was alive and has been taken to the NICU in our city. I have prayed for him.

Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my son was born and rushed to the same NICU. He was early, his survival was not guaranteed and his development and abilities if he did survive, uncertain. He's downstairs playing on his Playstation now. We had no certainty that would be the case then.

The little baby born today deserves, like every baby, to be loved and nurtured. How totally unfair that this is his start in life. My son's start was difficult, perhaps more for us, but he was always where he should be as far as care went and he was always very much loved.

There are so many wonderful people who would love to give this baby the love and future that he deserves. I hope that he ends up with people who will give him everything he needs to be happy and have a wonderful life from now on. I hope that soon he is well enough to feel the touch of people who care about him. He needs to know, in his baby way, that he is worthy of comfort and deserving of love.

JAHD

Feeling Feelings

I thought that it was supposed to be a good thing to let ourselves feel our true feelings and not run away from them, not push them away with food, busy-ness or denial. The feelings themselves are what we should face.

I faced some real feelings today. I was extremely sad. It doesn't matter what it was about: I will survive and things happen. But I felt really sad and I've got to say, it was awful. I can see why people avoid that kind of thing.

I did survive the unpleasantness though and I did stop crying. My husband and a wonderful friend helped. I'm o.k. And now I am taking this experience and what it felt like and using it as fuel - fuel for understanding, fuel for deeper insight, fuel for the future.

It's o.k. to feel sad, I guess, but it sure doesn't always feel as therapeutic and romantic as I had somehow envisioned. It just feels really, really bad.

JAHD

This and That and Other Things

I have not written much here lately despite lots of potential writing in my head. It just hasn't made it to the keyboard. My brain feels like it's accomplished things but my fingers have not held up their end of the bargain. I hope that they'll get along today and work together.

I took a "friend" off Facebook today. I don't mean to be dramatic about it but it matters to me and is not a step that's taken lightly. Something has changed with someone, someone who lives in the same city as me and there's not the connection anymore. It's sad.

On the brighter side, some friendships have been developing. I cherish those relationships and those with my other friends. I would love to have all my friends from near and far over for a nice party. There is always room in my house for friends. They just might have to get pretty cozy with one another. Not a lot of comfy seating.

Job-wise, it would seem so far from my job search that I am unemployable. I doubt that's true but I have no evidence to the contrary. I may have to make sure that my thinking and energy are directed at that which I truly want. Suddenly getting a full time job is huge. Am I ready?

My rabbit Powder is wonderful. I have loved all of my rabbits. This one, though, I really enjoy. Maybe I'm in a better place, maybe he's just funny, I don't know. But Powder is a bundle of joy.

I continue to love reading, books and gleaning new insights from reading and life. The Canada Post truck delivered 4 books yesterday which I opened and showed to a friend. It is divine to me to receive a delivery like that and so nice to have someone to show them to as well.

That's sort of where I'm at right now. Wherever that is.

I hope that everyone is doing well. This life thing isn't easy but it has some nice rewards along the way. I guess it is a reward in itself.

JAHD