Getting Back to Here

Hello. I've been gone a while from my blog. I'm back. We'll see if any words are back with me.

Yesterday I came up with what I want to do in my life. Oh yeah, that. Well, here goes:

An introspective human writer who helps children and everyone.

Hmm. Interesting. How exactly does that look? I'm not sure. And I didn't necessarily mean that my writing will help people. It might. It involves wanting to help people, somehow. I guess I'm still working on it but it's nice to have something written down.

I cleaned out my pantry today. It was good to get that done. Sadly food did get thrown out but I also learned what we have and I got things organized quite well. I found out that I overestimated our cracker-eating capacity a great deal in the past. There were many, many crackers of unknown purchase dates. Most are now gone. But I recycled boxes so it wasn't a total waste. Close though.

I've been overwhelmed when I look at book lists lately because I am interested in so many books. I haven't been reading that much but I'm always reading at least one book. I have a passion for books.

Eating better has long been a concept that sounded like a good idea. I've started to do it. I did feel pretty good today.

Another change in my life, and one that is perhaps enabling me to make other positive changes, is that I started trying to remove the word "should" from my head. I'm 44. I can do what I want. If I want to eat better, I will. If I want to clean my kitchen because I will like the end result and perhaps even the process, I can. No one needs to say anymore, including me, what I "should" do.

Well, these are some of the things going on for me right now. It's nice to write again. I was feeling a little shy or something before I began this post tonight. But I'm glad that I wrote anyways.

I hope that everyone is doing o.k. and being kind to themselves. I'm not telling you what you should do, however. That's up to you.

JAHD

Maybe, Sometime, I don't know, Perhaps

I haven't written for a while. Lots of stuff has happened. I don't have a lot to say. Or I have so much to say I can't put it into words yet. Who knows? Maybe I will write again soon. Perhaps.

Until then, take care. I will try to get back up on the horse. I don't ride horses so there will be no actual horse involved. But I will try to get inspired again.

JAHD

It Might

My search for a career, and ideally a meaningful one that lines up with every possible personality characteristic I possess as revealed by every possible means of testing, continues. As much as anyone else who knows about my search, I would like to just settle on something and stop my navel-gazing but I want to make sure that I get it right. And if I actually settled on something, I'd have to do something other than live the somewhat self-indulgent lifestyle I lead right now. Yikes!

Anyways, one area in which I have sometimes felt very strongly that I should work is with young students with learning challenges. I first felt this pull when I was a child and I knew someone with challenges. I have felt this pull since then in some situations with special learners and I have also thought, and not just felt, that I would like to make a difference.

The other night, I gave this matter some serious thought. I came up with one question that I couldn't answer right away. It made me a little sad and I questioned whether maybe I'm just very cynical. I had to answer whether I truly believed that I could make a difference to children in the long run. Maybe kids who are troubled will end up troubled anyways. Maybe I can't change the course of their lives. Maybe it's hopeless?

I visualize my approach to parenting as throwing some kind of glop at a wall and hoping it sticks (my poor son). I mean this is in the best possible way - I try to give him very good material but you can never be sure what will take hold. I suppose this applies in helping other children as well.

I thought some more and came up with the only answer I know to the question of whether or not my influence can make a difference. The answer: It might.

Nothing's certain yet with my plans but I find my answer to that question hopeful enough.

JAHD

Handle with Care

Recently I have had the honour of discovering some children's ambitions for the future. I enjoyed reading what my son and his classmates wrote for their grade 4 memory book. More recently, a young girl I know told me that she wants to write a book. Actually, she wants to write a series of books. I was thrilled that she told me this and I responded positively to her. I can sure relate to wanting to write but I mostly kept the focus on her. She even showed me the book she's working on.

I don't know if I can express how precious I believe these dreams and plans of children to be. If they share them with us, they are allowing us to view valuable, delicate and fragile treasures. They are also allowing themselves to be vulnerable. How we react, what we say matters. We must not shatter their dreams.

I expect that some children don't get the right reactions when they share their dreams, some don't get opportunities to do so and some probably wouldn't dare try. Children need us to nurture their visions. The world will need them to become who should they be.

Handling with care is a lot more crucial here than it is in moving boxes of breakables. I hope that I always live up to the highest standards in this regard with my son and all children who tell me of their dreams. I believe that it really matters.

JAHD

Out of Material

I'm inspired to read but as far as writing goes, I have nothing interesting to say. I'm feeling kind of bad and/or sad and/or cranky and/or tired. Whatever it is, I'm not feeling my happiest. Whatever that is.

So, rather than bore anyone who actually reads this with the bits of debris I can scrape up in my brain, I will stop writing for the night. At least. I will write again.

I guess I haven't been eating well. It seems to come back to that a lot. I really wish I was better at the whole food and nutrition thing. It's so important but I don't do well with those things. Another thing to feel bad about. That's me right now.

Take care.


JAHD

The What

I have to figure out what to do. I can feel all fired up and confident but I still don't know what I should be doing. So I don't do much that I think is of worth.

I want to write. What?

I want to really help people. Who? How?

I want to be immersed in life. Sometimes I am.

I want to have projects to which I am devoted. Where are those projects?

My writing seems to fall flat. I have few ideas.

Ugh. It's not that I'm not hardworking or not willing to work anyways. I just want to know what to do. And I want to find out soon.

I hope that everyone has had a nice Canada Day. It's a good place to live.

JAHD

My Backyard

No, this is not a piece dedicated to the wonders of my lovely backyard. Rather, I realized this evening that I don't like my backyard much. It's not that nice.

This year the rain delayed my flower planting and there is a lot of weeding to do. Those aren't the only problems out there though.

I sat on the patio and felt like I should be enjoying it. Why? Yes, I was outside. That can be nice and I enjoy our front yard. But as for a peaceful environment, there were a lot of traffic noises, there is one bush, no trees and if you sit on the patio, you're in between the garage and house. It's not really scenic.

I know that there's a lot to be said for being grateful for things but maybe that can be taken a little far. It's not cast in stone that the backyard stays as is nor that we stay in this house. We can improve it or move.

I am glad that I made this observation. It's kind of empowering to realize that I don't have to just accept things as they are and make do. I can also make better.

JAHD

What a Week

Wow. I have had an astounding week. It's not only that it's been quite busy. The real excitement has come from the out of the ordinary events that have happened. I am glad they did.

My grade 4 teacher visited. I didn't know how it would go. It went so well. She and her husband were wonderful to talk with and lovely guests. And she and I really reconnected after an incredible amount of time and we stayed up incredibly late talking. It was about 2:20 in the morning when we gave out. I am grateful that they visited.

I went on a school field trip this week. That wasn't so good but it was an experience. It gives me more food for thought. And it did come to an end. That was good.

The grade 4 celebration at my son's school was a rewarding volunteer experience for me. I hope that everyone enjoyed it. I enjoyed getting to know another mother through working on it. My son is moving on to middle school. Wow.

Talking to my brother on the phone for close enough to 4 hours was amazing. I treasure that relationship. We're both pretty good talkers.

I probably should have stayed home for the last day of my son's time at elementary school. I have some bad feelings now about someone there. I ended up feeling humilated and like I had given away too much to someone. I feel things very deeply. There was good there on that day too though.

Today I adopted a rabbit. Why not? I also had some people over for dinner.

I had decided to dig into life. I did that this week. I'm glad that I did. The soil of life has turned out to be rich. I want to enjoy the garden and hopefully I can help others enjoy it too. I hope.

JAHD

Oh the Baking

I baked. I haven't done much baking for a while. I still know how. I still make a mess. I make a big, honest mess.

Whatever good baking does, I don't know. Most of what I bake is very fattening. It's tasty though. And it connects me to women in my family who came before me.

When I think about it, the connection to my female ancestors may be what attracts me to baking. They didn't have the easiest lives and may not have been as happy as I would like them to have been. I hope that baking was something they enjoyed.

I have many more opportunities than these women had. I may feel guilty about that. When I bake, I share an experience with them and am on a lot more common ground. I like standing there with them for a while.

I will try to remember to look at baking as a way to honour these past relatives of mine.

I am not them, however, and I want to believe, I hope I'm starting to believe, that it's o.k. to grasp at things, reach for things, and achieve things that they never could.

I am getting hungry for a lot more than baked goods. I am getting hungry for life.

JAHD

Tomorrow

I have a topic about which i will write but I'm done for the day. It has been every busy lately around here. I have been very busy. Good stuff.

Just watched the news. There's always sadness too. We're all in this together.

Talk tomorrow and take care.

JAHD