I'm A Writer

My son had a friend over yesterday. I mentioned something about getting to know other writers. The friend asked my son if his mum is a writer. My son said yeah. The other boy said "Cool."

I am a writer. Thank you to these two young boys. This conversation means so much to me.

JAHD

Egypt

I was at the gym today and I saw some scenes on CBC Newsworld. The sound was down, there were subtitles and I was very uninvolved in the details. I did learn that they were showing and talking about the protests in Egypt. It looks like a chaotic situation there.

In addition to the video coverage of the protests, I saw a pie chart outlining trade information between Canada and Egypt. At that I was somewhat aghast.

Admittedly I don't know the full nature of the discussion but it seemed like there was a very quick jump from showing a troubled place in the world to figuring out how it affects the economy here. Is that really what's important?

I have a Bachelor of Commerce. I pursued that degree because I liked and found it easy to play with numbers in high school accounting classes. I have little interest though in what numbers mean and not a whole lot of belief that they mean anything. The presentation of numbers in accounting reports require assumptions and an understanding of what principles were used to determine them. Even in the most honest of situations, they can be presented differently. Aside from their questionable accuracy, however, in looking at the trade between Egypt and Canada we are saying "Let's look to numbers to tell us how much this matters to us." People in another part of the world are in the midst of a crisis situation. I think that it's more helpful to try to understand why and to figure out if we can help.

JAHD

It's Not So Difficult After All

I think that after 10 years of being home, except for my brief preschool employment, I am learning to manage and enjoy my time at home. This likely means a job is on the horizon. Until I find a job or one finds me, though, I will keep making this at-home thing work.

My house looks better than it did. I loved seeing clear surfaces after Christmas items were removed and I still enjoy seeing them now. I am gradually improving rooms one at a time. The laundry room is one that I'm pleased about as it has never gotten much attention. Poor room.

I spend time writing and when I do it, that time is dedicated just to writing. I have a spot, I have a practice, there's a place in my life for writing. I don't have a particular time for it; I still don't have or desire that much structure.

I have slowed down my purchases of magazines, household cleaners and, for now, even books. Those were things that I bought more often than was necessary. This means that there is less clutter. It frees up my mind and space in the house. Yay for less clutter.

Having less things around the house lets me see the things that I treasure more. I also have more of a feeling of pride in the house and that leads to being more willing to open it up and enjoy sharing it.

I haven't made huge changes and nothing about my house or life is perfect. Neither ever will be. I am not telling anyone they should do this or that. Rather, I am pleased to be reporting that changes, at least small ones, are possible. I find that reassuring and hopeful. Maybe you do too.

JAHD

Letting go of the Stranglehold

Lately, and I won't say it's specifically a New Year thing but it's new, I have been thinking of things and moreso than before, doing them. I'm not procrastinating, I'm not finding reasons not to do them, I'm just doing them. And it's not that I've adopted Nike's wonderful slogan of "Just do it." I'm just doing it. It's about time.

I've held myself back. I've put obstacles in my way. I've hidden, perhaps. I'm not doing those things anymore. I'm doing it - what I'm meant to do. Sometimes that's jobs around the house, today it was starting an online book group. I don't know what it will be next. "It" will be many, many, many things.

I am free.

Have a wonderful, wonderful new year everyone.

Love JAHD

A Day

It is 10:00 in the morning and I am sitting in my robe and pajamas. So far today I have had breakfast, chatted with my son, spent a little time on the computer and read what I read in the paper. That's o.k.

Now I want to decide about and get moving on whatever else my son and I will do today. Hmm.

There are many things that we can do. Some would fall into the fun category, some would fall into the productive category and some would fall into the "I'd have to sit my son down and possibly bribe him to do it" category (thank you notes go there). The amazing thing about all of this to me, even on a simple day like this, is possibility. Even one day affords so much possibillity.

It is easy to take time, days, years for granted. It doesn't always seem to matter, at least to me, how we spend each one. But wow, even though there are only 24 hours in a day, there are 24 hours in a day! That's a lot of time to fill with whatever we want. Sleep is a great thing for part of that time but we should still end up with a lot of time left for the rest of our activities.

It's up to us to decide how we use a precious day. It is an awesome gift. I have a little plaque/wall hanging thing in my room that says "Your life is Gods' gift to you/What you do with it is your gift to Him." I will try to treat this day as the gift it is. And hopefully learn to do that the other days of my life too.

JAHD

Something? Anything? Safety Goggles?

Write something. Write anything. Just write. OK.

Presently a project of mine is to finish reading the books that I have started reading. There are at least nine books that fall into that category. I love books and reading and am excited by this project.

Another project around here for the past few days has been decluttering. Not much of it has happened though. I was pleased to find that the scary areas of the house are not so scary after all. I did find one box of nice Christmas ornaments that didn't make it to the tree but the tree did fine without them.

My rabbit received eight Christmas presents in a stocking that I purchased online for him. I don't know if he cares. He seemed to enjoy Christmas morning though and poking around wrappings and things. He doesn't seem to like dresssing up and posing for pictures. Now we know. Unfortunately for the little guy I can't guarantee I won't do it to him again. I don't treat him too badly otherwise so hopefully this is o.k.

My son has introduced me to Jugo Juice smoothies. I am pleased that both of us like them. I have to watch the calories in them but they are so healthy and the smaller sizes are a great snack. They make me feel good.

I am pleased that on a short trip to the mall today, I didn't want to shop wildly. I enjoyed Christmas and like what I received. I don't need piles more. I may buy a new vacuum with a gift card and Christmas money we received. Oh boy, oh boy.

I am glad that my family members across the country did not travel at Christmas. There are other times of the year for travel.

I might like to move to a new house. This house has never been my favourite style and I would not be sorry to leave this street. We'll see.

I didn't come up with much tonight but that's some of what's swirling around in my head.

Oh, one other thing. I've developed a fear of getting hit on the face and head with rocks and ice since a piece of gravel hit me just under my eye a few weeks ago. It turned out not to be a big deal but if you see me with a football helmet and safety goggles, you'll know why. Oh and be sure to say hello!

JAHD

How It feels to Help

Well, I helped out at the mall today in a very small way. It wasn't a big deal and I was thanked and wished Merry Christmas. So everythings's fine, right? Well, it turns out that I am not someone who gets a sense of satisfaction and happiness for this kind of thing. It really did nothing for me. Sadly, if I got more praise, recognition and a small reward, I might feel more satisfied. I don't know why but that's the way I am.

I like helping. I guess I find joy in it and maybe that should be enough. I am an approval-seeking person though and, well, I seek a lot of approval.

These days I am (usually) nice to people out in public. I used to be a lot crankier. This year, I've gotten through post office, Starbucks and drug store line-ups without causing any ruckuses. And a ruckus-free Christmas is good. I hold doors and am generally quite considerate of other people. This approach seems to be working well for everybody including me. No one needs more hostility.

Still, when I go out of my way to help, and I did today, there's a part of me that really wants some acclaim. Maybe it builds up after all the niceness I've already shown (and, admittedly, the anger I've sometimes suppressed). Maybe I just want to be recognized, singled out, seen. Maybe we all want some attention now and then and when we don't get it, we are again reminded of how very small we are in the world. I don't know. Maybe I'm just an egocentric narcissist who wants everything to be about me. That one kind of stings.

Anyways, there's no parade given for small acts of kindness but they're still worth it. This one was appreciated and maybe it will be replayed by the people involved. And the world will be a little nicer because of it. Even without a parade.

JAHD

All Twinkly and Bright

I discovered today that even when I'm alone in a room, it's nice to have the Christmas tree lights on. It doesn't have to be a shared experience - my experience mattered. It was really nice sitting and reading in the living room with the tree on.

I don't know if I'm excited about Christmas. To a certain extent, I enjoy Christmas shopping and the greetings that come and go at this time of year. There can be touching acts of kindness. There is charity. For me, I don't know how I feel about the day itself.

Looking at the tree today, it seemed like more than just a meaningless symbol. It touched me. It was real (even though it's artificial). It is nice to have something so special set up because it's Christmas. It's a big concept to understand but it's nice to have a tree to help us.

JAHD

Why do I do this?

I make the holiday season more difficult than it has to be. On a larger scale, maybe I do that with life too. But in the holiday season it's very apparent that I do it.

Within the last hour, I sat here and tried to figure out which of the presents I have purchased are right for my Mum's birthday and which are right for Christmas. I could simply divide them up in the way that I had previously intended, wrap them and send them off later today. That would be productive and I would benefit from the fact that I have this shopping done. It is a struggle to avoid it becoming much more complicated though. I am trying to accept that whatever mix I come up with for each occasion is fine but, well, we'll see.

With Christmas cards, I have not started writing them. I assume that there are some downstairs and if not, I can quickly go and buy some. I've seen some nice ones out there. With the cards, though, I do not have to make the writing of them an exhausting, perfection-seeking experience. I could get my address book, get out stamps (I just did that) and sit down and quickly but nicely write them. It doesn't have to be too draining. It would probably feel great to have them done.

It is sad that we can put so much pressure on ourselves to get things just right. Looking at my house sometimes a person would likely be surprised that I have perfectionistic tendencies. But when you do have these tendencies, it can be hard to do things because you do not want to do them less than perfectly. I want to let that go.

So, I will try today to get my parents' presents ready and to get Christmas cards done. It is not impossible but it is very difficult to do everything perfectly. And there's really no need to do so.

I hope that everyone is enjoying this Christmas season.

JAHD

Back to the Gym

OK, I haven't gone back to the gym yet. But I will tomorrow or the next day. Really. And once I start again I hope that my attendance record is as good as it was from August to November. I will work at it again.

Initially I stopped going because I was away. Somehow, when I was away I hurt my back. It was pretty incapacitating for a while. It was yucky. But it's better now. And I really have no more excuse.

For a while it seemed that it didn't matter that I wasn't going to the gym. Oddly enough, I finally lost weight and I didn't feel any different. Over the last few days or so, however, I've noticed that I'm getting out of breath again. And I need more naps. I'm not thrilled about these developments but they show that going to the gym was making a difference to my body. And I want that goodness for myself again.

JAHD