A Day

It is 10:00 in the morning and I am sitting in my robe and pajamas. So far today I have had breakfast, chatted with my son, spent a little time on the computer and read what I read in the paper. That's o.k.

Now I want to decide about and get moving on whatever else my son and I will do today. Hmm.

There are many things that we can do. Some would fall into the fun category, some would fall into the productive category and some would fall into the "I'd have to sit my son down and possibly bribe him to do it" category (thank you notes go there). The amazing thing about all of this to me, even on a simple day like this, is possibility. Even one day affords so much possibillity.

It is easy to take time, days, years for granted. It doesn't always seem to matter, at least to me, how we spend each one. But wow, even though there are only 24 hours in a day, there are 24 hours in a day! That's a lot of time to fill with whatever we want. Sleep is a great thing for part of that time but we should still end up with a lot of time left for the rest of our activities.

It's up to us to decide how we use a precious day. It is an awesome gift. I have a little plaque/wall hanging thing in my room that says "Your life is Gods' gift to you/What you do with it is your gift to Him." I will try to treat this day as the gift it is. And hopefully learn to do that the other days of my life too.

JAHD

Something? Anything? Safety Goggles?

Write something. Write anything. Just write. OK.

Presently a project of mine is to finish reading the books that I have started reading. There are at least nine books that fall into that category. I love books and reading and am excited by this project.

Another project around here for the past few days has been decluttering. Not much of it has happened though. I was pleased to find that the scary areas of the house are not so scary after all. I did find one box of nice Christmas ornaments that didn't make it to the tree but the tree did fine without them.

My rabbit received eight Christmas presents in a stocking that I purchased online for him. I don't know if he cares. He seemed to enjoy Christmas morning though and poking around wrappings and things. He doesn't seem to like dresssing up and posing for pictures. Now we know. Unfortunately for the little guy I can't guarantee I won't do it to him again. I don't treat him too badly otherwise so hopefully this is o.k.

My son has introduced me to Jugo Juice smoothies. I am pleased that both of us like them. I have to watch the calories in them but they are so healthy and the smaller sizes are a great snack. They make me feel good.

I am pleased that on a short trip to the mall today, I didn't want to shop wildly. I enjoyed Christmas and like what I received. I don't need piles more. I may buy a new vacuum with a gift card and Christmas money we received. Oh boy, oh boy.

I am glad that my family members across the country did not travel at Christmas. There are other times of the year for travel.

I might like to move to a new house. This house has never been my favourite style and I would not be sorry to leave this street. We'll see.

I didn't come up with much tonight but that's some of what's swirling around in my head.

Oh, one other thing. I've developed a fear of getting hit on the face and head with rocks and ice since a piece of gravel hit me just under my eye a few weeks ago. It turned out not to be a big deal but if you see me with a football helmet and safety goggles, you'll know why. Oh and be sure to say hello!

JAHD

How It feels to Help

Well, I helped out at the mall today in a very small way. It wasn't a big deal and I was thanked and wished Merry Christmas. So everythings's fine, right? Well, it turns out that I am not someone who gets a sense of satisfaction and happiness for this kind of thing. It really did nothing for me. Sadly, if I got more praise, recognition and a small reward, I might feel more satisfied. I don't know why but that's the way I am.

I like helping. I guess I find joy in it and maybe that should be enough. I am an approval-seeking person though and, well, I seek a lot of approval.

These days I am (usually) nice to people out in public. I used to be a lot crankier. This year, I've gotten through post office, Starbucks and drug store line-ups without causing any ruckuses. And a ruckus-free Christmas is good. I hold doors and am generally quite considerate of other people. This approach seems to be working well for everybody including me. No one needs more hostility.

Still, when I go out of my way to help, and I did today, there's a part of me that really wants some acclaim. Maybe it builds up after all the niceness I've already shown (and, admittedly, the anger I've sometimes suppressed). Maybe I just want to be recognized, singled out, seen. Maybe we all want some attention now and then and when we don't get it, we are again reminded of how very small we are in the world. I don't know. Maybe I'm just an egocentric narcissist who wants everything to be about me. That one kind of stings.

Anyways, there's no parade given for small acts of kindness but they're still worth it. This one was appreciated and maybe it will be replayed by the people involved. And the world will be a little nicer because of it. Even without a parade.

JAHD

All Twinkly and Bright

I discovered today that even when I'm alone in a room, it's nice to have the Christmas tree lights on. It doesn't have to be a shared experience - my experience mattered. It was really nice sitting and reading in the living room with the tree on.

I don't know if I'm excited about Christmas. To a certain extent, I enjoy Christmas shopping and the greetings that come and go at this time of year. There can be touching acts of kindness. There is charity. For me, I don't know how I feel about the day itself.

Looking at the tree today, it seemed like more than just a meaningless symbol. It touched me. It was real (even though it's artificial). It is nice to have something so special set up because it's Christmas. It's a big concept to understand but it's nice to have a tree to help us.

JAHD

Why do I do this?

I make the holiday season more difficult than it has to be. On a larger scale, maybe I do that with life too. But in the holiday season it's very apparent that I do it.

Within the last hour, I sat here and tried to figure out which of the presents I have purchased are right for my Mum's birthday and which are right for Christmas. I could simply divide them up in the way that I had previously intended, wrap them and send them off later today. That would be productive and I would benefit from the fact that I have this shopping done. It is a struggle to avoid it becoming much more complicated though. I am trying to accept that whatever mix I come up with for each occasion is fine but, well, we'll see.

With Christmas cards, I have not started writing them. I assume that there are some downstairs and if not, I can quickly go and buy some. I've seen some nice ones out there. With the cards, though, I do not have to make the writing of them an exhausting, perfection-seeking experience. I could get my address book, get out stamps (I just did that) and sit down and quickly but nicely write them. It doesn't have to be too draining. It would probably feel great to have them done.

It is sad that we can put so much pressure on ourselves to get things just right. Looking at my house sometimes a person would likely be surprised that I have perfectionistic tendencies. But when you do have these tendencies, it can be hard to do things because you do not want to do them less than perfectly. I want to let that go.

So, I will try today to get my parents' presents ready and to get Christmas cards done. It is not impossible but it is very difficult to do everything perfectly. And there's really no need to do so.

I hope that everyone is enjoying this Christmas season.

JAHD

Back to the Gym

OK, I haven't gone back to the gym yet. But I will tomorrow or the next day. Really. And once I start again I hope that my attendance record is as good as it was from August to November. I will work at it again.

Initially I stopped going because I was away. Somehow, when I was away I hurt my back. It was pretty incapacitating for a while. It was yucky. But it's better now. And I really have no more excuse.

For a while it seemed that it didn't matter that I wasn't going to the gym. Oddly enough, I finally lost weight and I didn't feel any different. Over the last few days or so, however, I've noticed that I'm getting out of breath again. And I need more naps. I'm not thrilled about these developments but they show that going to the gym was making a difference to my body. And I want that goodness for myself again.

JAHD

Reunion - High School, My School

I went to the Open House portion of my High School's 50th anniversary celebration. And I'm glad that I did. Woo hoo!

The Open House was not that exciting. My son got to see my old school. I think I found myself in one picture. We met up as planned with my friend Patty and we ran into a few other friends. I talked to one teacher who had no idea who I was. And we left.

The good thing about this event is that now my high school experience has ended on my terms. I went back, I didn't feel much of anything for the school and I left as an adult. I no longer walk in the shadow of a guy (one in particular) not worth my time, hoping for a future with him that didn't happen. The guys at school weren't worth as much of my attention as they received. My friends deserved more. I deserved more. And I know that now.

Happy 50th Anniversary to VP! And thanks for a nice open house.

JAHD

The Phone

Perhaps the phone never was the best means of communication.


Sure, I like the phone. One night this year I talked to my brother (who often goes by the name of Anonymous) for over 4 hours on it. It can be a good way to connect. And it is a good way to relay information quickly. But I can be rather shy when it comes to using the phone and I don't mind that there are a number of other means of communication now that we can use in place of the phone.


Perhaps things started off badly for me with the phone when one of the first calls I made was to a wrong number. That shook me up. But it's not just that. When you phone someone, you don't know if they or someone else will answer, if they're busy or want to talk. I think that call display is useful in that you know when someone who has it answers, they do want to talk to you at least briefly. On the phone though, you must come up with responses quickly. There's little time to reflect. If you are at all nervous anyways about who you're talking to, these factors can make things worse.

I like texting. I like messages of various kinds on Facebook. And the method of communication I like best of all is face to face. I like sitting down with someone and really listening and really talking. I can see a person's body language, their expression, what they're wearing. I can get more information from these things than I can from a voice on the phone.

I will keep calling and I will keep answering but I will not be sad that the phone is not as popular as it once was.

JAHD

I Wish I Knew that I Belonged Here

I still don't know. I've lived here for 16 years and I still don't know that this city is home. I have incredibly wonderful friends here. I am so blessed to have them. Less importantly, but very handy, there is a great set-up where I live - walking distance to many, many first rate shopping, recreation and library facilities. This is not where I grew up though and it never will be.

I was back home just over a week ago. I love flying to it and getting closer and closer. It's not just the city - it's the region. It's Toronto. It's the GTA. It's southern Ontario. It's home.

So, what do I do? The rest of my family (husband and son) are at least semi-interested in moving too. It would be great for my parents. I would be surrounded by so much more of what I love there. There are so many potential country drives to historically interesting towns, there are lakes, there are more jobs in areas of interest to me and there is Bloor Street on a busy Friday night. I even love that. It's my city.

I don't know. I do not know but the city from which I moved in my younger days is calling me and it might be expecting an answer soon. I can't pretend that I don't hear that call.

JAHD

Apparently I'm Unemployable

I have been out of the workforce for just over 10 years except for a brief and unfulfilling stint working in a preschool. Nice people, nice kids, boring job. No fulfillment. Other than that, I left my downtown office job 10 years ago this month and I've only been back to visit. I've missed downtown, missed earning money and just missed being employed. Not that I regret my time with my son - he's worth it all.

Anyways, my son is older now. I've applied for a job here and there over the years and had no offers. I didn't try too hard though. This fall, I had my resume professionally prepared and I have wholeheartedly put effort into some job applications. I thought that once I did these things, it would all take care of itself. I was wrong. So far, it's looking like I'm unemployable.

I acknowledge that I am 10 years older than when I last worked and that I have 10 years of not working in a formal job setting. I have volunteered in that time though, taken courses in a continuing education certificate program and handled more difficult challenges in the role of mother than any paid job would provide. If anyone thinks that my mind has gone to mush because I've stayed home for the past 10 years, they are wrong and they are missing out on a potential employee who knows herself, knows her strengths and limitations and is ready to work.

While I can't let any of this destroy my confidence in myself, it is a bit demoralizing. What do I do? I don't plan on going back to temp work unless the alternative is absolute poverty. It did lead me into a wonderful 5 year job before and great people with whom I worked but I don't know if I could do it again. It's so unpredictable and I just remember that as an ugly time in my life. Shudder, shudder.

So, here I sit, at home, with no job prospects on the horizon. Perhaps a 10 year employment gap is an easy way for employers, inundated with resumes, to take someone out of the running. It's their loss and I will find something I want to do and begin doing it. It just may not be a traditional job.

JAHD